Preparing to Dive In
There are times of relative ease in my work with my therapist. Almost placid. Moments of rest and regrouping. The months after Mom’s death were not this. And I will simply say that I am grateful for the support of my husband and son, friends, and the wisdom of my therapist. This is not a journey to undertake alone.
The sessions were frequent and intense, with Yoga breathing, cognitive behavioral therapy, and EMDR, a process I’ll talk more about later. Suffice it to say, it is a method to help release and finish processing trauma that was put away raw, alive, and unhealed. An understatement.
And there was painting. Lots of painting. The only journaling I could do was to jot down the things we covered in the sessions, any insights from them, and all the questions that needed answers. Essentially, that unsealed pit of long-hidden emotions was in the driver’s seat, revealing to us what the next work was.
And on this day, the mental wrestling of “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” came to a stop. We dove in, and it unloaded….
Opening Pandora’s box – the run-on sentence….
When you finally begin to experience the immensity of long-buried terror, fury, and resentment at what was done to you…to your body…to your childhood innocence…to your psyche….when you finally begin to realize just how much was taken from you….and what was never given…when you finally begin to *accept* that you are not trash…or stupid…or disgusting…or dirty…or at fault, but are a beautiful human being who was badly used…who deserved better and STILL DESERVES… and is WORTHY…there are no words powerful enough to describe what floods out. The emotions just keep coming, and coming, and coming. They will eventually slow, but a lifetime’s worth of locked experiences and pain has a lot to say.
One thing I want to clarify is how I use the term “Pandora’s Box.” In Greek mythology, Pandora was the woman who, because she was too curious, opened a box containing all of the illnesses, miseries, and evils that existed. Thus, those things escaped into the world, and of course, she was to blame.
I much prefer to see it as women can be strong and fearless, willing to walk up to the unknown, face whatever is there, unbowed, and deal with the aftermath. It is the way to truth, which can be hard, but doesn’t make reaching for truth evil. And it is only by emptying the misery within that you can get to the good things — healing, love, peace.
I originally thought to paint this with the person cowed in a fetal position, because of the intensity of everything coming at me, but cowering wasn’t right. I may have been knocked back by it all and taken aback by how much was in there, but I did not run…or hide…or turn away.
No. I stood there and experienced all of it…UNBOWED…and still do.
Tags: EMDR, Pandora's box, PTSD, trauma, yoga
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