As I dug into this with my therapist, I was doing some of the hardest, deepest work in my life, then going home to try and capture what came up. I would paint as fast as I could, barely able to spread the pigment on the canvas quickly enough. After opening Pandora’s box, the waves of things I’d never felt before just kept coming. Again and again they’d swell, crest, crash over me, and then swell up again. I just held on. I had wanted to confront it all, my free choice, which was a gift in its own way — self-agency. So there was no turning back now.
It was just like all the times as a kid when I’d ride roller coasters. It wasn’t enough just to ride them. I HAD to sit in that very front seat. Alone. What was the point of testing myself from “back there?”
I’d climb into that first seat, ready to do battle with the worst the roller-coaster could throw at me, eager and confident. There was that moment, though, just as the cars approached the top of that first and steepest hill, that I’d wonder if I’d made a mistake. It would crest the top then plummet almost straight down, with my stomach somewhere up near my throat. But it was too late to change my mind. At that point, all I could do was ride it out…half the time with my eyes closed… until it was over.
But the funny thing was that at the end of the ride, when I’d be totally drained and relieved I’d made it through…I’d do it all over again. Right away. I was so exhilarated I’d ridden out the worst IN THE FRONT SEAT and survived that I knew I could do it again. I’d race back into line, dive back into that front seat, and go again — terrified and exhilarated at the same time. But I’d do it because I’d learned, I could face the worst and survive. What a rush!
In some ways, this was the same thing. As the worst poured over me, time seemed to slow down. One second at a time, it battered me. But the longer it went on, and I kept feeling me still there, I realized…I can do this. I can do this for as long as I need to. Because I am strong enough. Because they are just emotions that won’t last forever. And because I DESERVE to heal.
Soul Mosaic 
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