The Naugatuck River, Revisited
Why did I stay alive? I wanted to die.
But sometimes even ugly things can save you…sometimes, even a “dead river “ can keep you hanging onto life.
Every day I’d go to work, come home, and then walk with the dog. Miles. Miles and miles of walking. I felt like as long as I was outside walking, out there in the land of the living, wandering past homes and people working in yards and garages, I was still in the land of the living. I might still make it.
I pondered suicide…every minute of every day. Why should I stay alive? Who would ever love me? How could I ever tell anyone what had been done to me and expect them to understand? I could see no future, no use for me. No hope.
But in those moments, I kept remembering those car rides home from Bridgeport when I was a kid. How, in spite of what a polluted river the Naugatuck was during the day, it was so beautiful at night as we drove by it on our way home. I remembered thinking I didn’t want to fall asleep because I might miss something to see. The lights sparkling on the surface of the water. The houses along the river. People moving beyond window frames. It was all so interesting to me, and I DIDN’T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING. So I would fight to stay awake and keep watching…to not miss anything.
It was the Naugatuck River and those memories that kept me alive in those moments. For almost six months, I was suicidal. For almost six months, I walked and walked, and listened to the words in my head as I remembered those drives home:
Don’t do it today…you can always kill yourself tomorrow.
You might miss something. You can always kill yourself tomorrow.
Soul Mosaic 
Leave a comment