Pollywog revisited
So. In the months since being suicidal, I had managed to allow my friend to be a close emotional support. Something I never had before. And with her and her husband, I’d gotten beyond a major hurdle. But…what did that all mean? And did I even have the presence of mind then to begin to question things?
My friend observed where I was currently at: “You can’t keep getting sex from my husband and emotions from me. You need to unite the two in one person.”
As soon as she said that, I remember thinking, “Duh! How could I have been so stupid and so blind?”
The truth is, I wasn’t stupid. A harsh judgment again, especially given that I’d been “hanging on for dear life” to something that felt safe through the rapid changes over the last few months. But of course she was right. And I realized in that moment that I was like that kid back in the Pollywog class at the YMCA, desperately hanging onto the side of the swimming pool, terrified to let go and determined to just stay put and stay safe. But this wasn’t Pollywog, and I needed to start swimming on my own in my life’s “pool.”
Because there is only “now”
Looking back, I understand that this situation was a temporary thing. I probably realized it even then on some level. But at that moment, I was just “frozen,” appreciating the first semblance of solid ground I’d had in many months. And in my house growing up, I’d always had to operate from the “present moment” to deal with whatever mood Dad was in. So I was always reacting, not looking ahead.
In her book Of My Own Making, author Daria Burke spoke about how abuse and trauma narrow your focus so tightly that all you can see is the present moment:
“Surviving under such conditions puts a constant, draining demand on both body and mind…siphoning your energy as if simply making it through is a battle you fight over and over again….a cycle that leaves no room for rest or reflection….The brain, molded by the forces of environment and experience, turns its focus inward. The aperture narrows to the present moment…blur any vision of the future, making it difficult to see beyond the pressing needs of now.” (pg 72)
I certainly wasn’t in a place of reflection, seeing the bigger picture, or looking down the road. There had been so many changes, so much confusion over these last several months. I was struggling to handle the present, much less know what I needed to do next. The truth was that I had gotten in over my head in this….and I found myself asking myself: How did I end up here? And what had I done?
After the rejoicing, the shock and shame
In the light of day, blasted out of my narrowed focus on overcoming my sexual limitations, reality was shining a hard light on things.
This had helped me, but…had it been right? Ethical? What had allowed me to do something my old self would have never done? These were questions I would continue to ask myself for years to come, and the true understanding was years down the road.
In that moment, my reaction was simply a growing mixture of shame, horror, fear, and guilt. Shame and guilt, not so much for a same-sex encounter, or even the threesome, but more that I had been alone with her first, without her husband knowing. And that, by my old rules at least, was adultery. How had I let myself do that?
My one realization was that it had been driven by intense need and fear. The POWER of those needs took control, and I ended up doing things I never thought I would. At the time, I even shrugged off the red flag that maybe this wasn’t the best or a permanent choice when my friend had said, “Don’t tell your therapist about this.” All of it shook me to my core.
The person I was in the past was that devoted Catholic who followed every “Thou Shalt Not.” But I did. So, then, who WAS I NOW? I had thrown out all the rules in my life because everything from my past seemed a lie or a failure. And God had failed me. Still, I found myself questioning if having no rules was really the right answer in life.
I’d been like a pendulum in the wind, swinging wildly, struggling to hang on. I’d gone from one perception of reality to having it blown apart. From suicidal to hanging on, but lost in a pit of confusion. I may have clawed my way back from the edge of life and death, but…to what? I had stayed alive but crashed on the shore of relationships.
I couldn’t shake the guilt. Yes, we were all consenting adults, though, again, that first part left out her husband. And unlike childhood, I wasn’t a “victim.” While I was vulnerable, that didn’t make me a victim. Given my emotional background and my history, this all made perfect sense. In that moment, I simply knew that with no solid ground under my feet, and no moorings or rules, it wasn’t surprising I’d ended up so far from who I was at my core. But still. I owned my part in it all.
So, while I knew going back to the person I was before leaving home wasn’t the answer, still, it was time to figure out who was I, REALLY? Where was I going, and what WERE my ethics and guiding rules for life? It was time for a course correction here.
For the next several months, I didn’t go near anyone. Didn’t even date. I needed time to think, and figure out who I was, and what DID I believe in?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was not the direction I wanted to be in or stay in. I realized that my friend had, in fact, been right about one thing – I was NOT the sort of person cut out for “complicated.” But this time, I didn’t see that as my failing. It was me, who I was at my core, and trying to live any other way was just not me. I was a simple person, not that imagined “sophisticate.” And I was far down a road I did not want.
It was time for some rules again. While I realized that maybe the rules of the past didn’t apply, I needed to find a new set. Life still needed boundaries, ethics, if I was to live in a way that matched my conscience. So the next focus was to determine: Who was I, and where was I going?
Soul Mosaic 
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