I was really sad that Ed had chosen to move on from our relationship. I kept wondering why he couldn’t have given me just more time. But…he wanted serious. I was terrified and just didn’t know WHAT I wanted. So, I guess I could understand. With reluctance, I returned to the dating service.
The real estate guy
Well, he was actually a high school history teacher in another town, but his real passion was real estate. He bought a house, fixed it up on his weekends, then flipped it for a profit. I don’t know if it was lucrative or not for him. If it was, he certainly didn’t spend it on dates or outings. We mostly just met up at the local diner or another fast-food type of place, ate, and argued.
I didn’t invite him over. He didn’t invite me over. Frankly, it was not that kind of relationship, at least to me. And…after the breakup with Ed, I wasn’t really in that place anyway. But, he was company.
He told me he liked me because I argued with him. I remember shaking my head at that. But we did argue. A lot of the things he said I just didn’t agree with and told him so. That apparently intrigued him. I just remember him as a decent person, hard-working, who didn’t share much about his life other than about his houses, which he was always working on. Sometimes I wondered if he had a secret family. But we would have dinner now and then, as I wondered if he would ever share more about himself.
One day, he called and said he wanted to share something special with me. We met up by the airport near Hartford, as that was central for us, then he said he would drive me to the place he wanted to show me. It was a nice afternoon, so I enjoyed the ride while we argued some more.
I expected we were going somewhere in Hartford, but after about a half an hour or so, I realized we were still going. Finally, we got to Middletown, and while I still wasn’t worried, I was now a bit more alert.
In fact, as we got off the highway, I thought of Ed. Right before we broke up, he had moved to Middletown – bought himself a condo there. As we drove into town, I thought that if I needed help, I knew I could call him, even though we weren’t together anymore. No matter what his situation was, he would help if I needed him. I knew that heart of his.
We headed down one of the main streets, past the playhouse on the Connecticut River. That’s when we turned off onto a side road, then down a quiet road with only a couple of houses on it. It was getting dark now, and I noticed that the last house on that road had its outside light on, though no one seemed home. Suddenly, I was getting uneasy. Unless we were visiting someone here, there didn’t seem to be any other destination around. My hand went to the car door handle.
Passing the last house, we turned down a dirt road on the right. I gripped the door handle and looked back to see where I could run for help. At the same time, the voice in my head was screaming: HOW could you be so stupid?! When you read about finding women dead, THIS is how it happened!
At that moment, he stopped the car, looked out toward the empty woods and the river in the distance, and said, “This is the saddest place in my life.”
The voice in my head responded with Oh great! Is this where he buries the bodies?
I was about to bolt from the car when he added:
“I had a chance to buy this piece of property, and I blew it.”
Property…real estate. I should have known it wouldn’t be about a woman.
He then drove the rest of the way down the road to the brightly lit parking lot of a marina. Apparently, he kept his boat there and wanted to show me.
It had all been truly innocent. This man, who never spoke much about himself, finally decided to open up to me and show his passion for the river, his boat, and how he longed to buy a piece of land and build himself a house on the river.
I was drained and shaking, and must have looked pale because he said to me, “Are you okay?”
When I told him what I was thinking as we drove down the dirt path, he was horrified and realized how scary this must have been for me. We laughed it off, and I calmed down. But if we looked at his boat, I can’t remember it.
We drifted apart after that. He was busy. I moved on. A little over a year later, I did get a phone call from him asking how I was and if I wanted to get together. I thanked him, but by then I was engaged — something I’ll get to shortly. He sounded truly sad. Offering congratulations, he told me that if things didn’t work out, to give him a call. I thanked him and wished him well. I do hope he found someone who was equally passionate about boats, rivers, and real estate.
The true gentleman
About the same time, a coworker fixed me up with a friend of hers. He was a really nice man, very kind. And I liked him very much. It had been a few months since my breakup with Ed, and I decided to try to be with someone again.
We went to his home, and things started gently and very nicely. But that voice in my head spoke up. It and my gut declared, This is wrong. I don’t want this.
I hadn’t expected that response in me. He was a nice man, we liked each other, and I wasn’t trying to lead him on. It’s just that in that moment I knew…I wasn’t that person anymore. I didn’t want “light and fun.”
Apologizing profusely, I told him I truly had wanted to be with him, but it just felt like this was the wrong thing to do.
To this day, I will be very grateful to that man. He was a true gentleman. You hear so often about date rape. And I certainly had put myself at risk without intending to. But he was truly gracious. I hope the Universe gave him someone who could bring him the happiness he deserved.
The dream…
The last straw after these two experiences was the dream. In it, I was about to get married. I was standing at the altar, about to say “I do,” even though I didn’t really want to be there. It seemed to be more a situation of “someone asked, and I said yes.” So I went ahead and said “I do.”
At that very moment in the dream, I looked across the room from the altar, and there stood Ed. Heartbreak and pain seared through me as my brain screamed: What have I done?! I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life, and it’s too late!
I remember waking up still feeling that terror, and I was so relieved to know it was just a dream.
The most carefully worded card ever…
Very shortly after this, I was riding with a friend somewhere and shared these three almost simultaneous experiences. I lamented about how I wished I hadn’t been so afraid of getting serious with Ed, and how much I missed him.
She said the most useful one line in my life: “Why don’t you write to him?”
I had not considered that. I assumed he had written me off and moved on to someone else. But…what could it hurt to send a simple hello card?
Ed would later tell me that when he got the card, he read my note several times, trying so hard to glean any sense of what I was feeling. But he said it was the most carefully worded card ever, and so he just had to take it at face value and decide – should he contact me or not?
I had written it very carefully because I didn’t know if he was in a relationship, and I didn’t want to create a problem. But I held my breath, hoping desperately that, unlike my dream, I wasn’t too late.
To my greatest surprise, relief, and gratitude, he replied. I asked him to come to my condo to talk.
I had decided. My background was the real block between us. I had kept up my wall so that I would never have to share my story with anyone. But that wall had broken us apart. I was tired of running.
So. He had wanted to know who I was?
Well, maybe he would run, or maybe he would stay. But whatever his decision, it was time for me to take a risk and tell the whole story…
Soul Mosaic 
Leave a comment