“…there is no security in not knowing things, in avoiding the ugliest truths because they can’t be faced. There is only an oppressive, creeping dread that the thing no one has told you is too terrible to imagine, and that it will haunt the rest of your life when you find out.”
― Natalie Haynes, The Children of Jocasta
Looking at that quote, I totally agree with the first sentence.
As to the rest, the only thing that will haunt me is NOT knowing. THAT is too terrible to imagine. Instead, whatever I learn will set me free.
That Undiscovered Country
Finally – the book arrives at its destination: The Undiscovered Country…the “bottom line.” I could call it a journey through the underworld, a soul journey, whatever, but the bottom line is that it is a whole new place that I have not yet explored, and my heart has made it clear — it is time.
Shakespeare referred to the Undiscovered Country in his play, “Hamlet.” Books carry that title. Even Star Trek used it for a movie.
Where Shakespeare’s Hamlet spoke of it in terms of what comes after death, and some books use it to refer to past civilizations, in Star Trek, they were toasting the future.
For me, it is the past brought forward into the present to change my future…and maybe someone else’s.
With such a weighty mission, the entries for this last section will be slower in coming. I need to think, dream, chew on things. This last part of the book will be wrestling with file folders full of questions scribbled on strips of paper from thoughts catalyzed during the writing process. So, I need to sit with each one and “listen” to what it is telling or asking me.
The “cake” ingredients
Each folder, each note, is an essential ingredient for the “cake” I am making – this book. Transforming them into a “baked cake” needs soulful processing.
To give a glimpse of the assembled ingredients, here are a few photos of my workroom:
(All photos by author)
There are themes and issues. Metaphors and talismans. I need to know why those things are there, why some keep recurring, and what they mean.
Midrash, and the rubber meets the road
So, this is where the rubber meets the road. I don’t want this book to just be a litany of what happened to me and not give the “So-what? Why-should-I-care?” elements too.
In Judaism, there is something called “Midrash.” Scholars and rabbis in the past would take a story from Torah, then discuss it. Rip it apart. Ask questions. Look for the holes in the story where things were left unsaid. And ask why. Then they would come up with their own additions to the text that would fill in some of the blanks and give added meaning. In short, it was a deep dive to flesh out each story’s worth to the best of their ability.
This part of the book is “my midrash.” I will dissect the places where confusion and questions provoke more thought. I will wring out and extract the meaning of my life story to give value, hope, and meaning. I cannot predict answers, but I will seek them.
Digesting to get the nutrition
At the beginning of this memoir-writing process, I said that you don’t just “confess” but “digest” the stories. With that, you get the “nutrition” in a form that can be used.
The nutrition comes as whatever insights, wisdom, or peace I find. Those are not only for me, but for the readers. And I hope to give voice and witness to anyone who was abused and didn’t make it. Essentially, this part is for all of us.
I will do my very best….
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
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