As a scientist, one of the best ways to capture what happens in a reaction, especially a chemical one, is to set up a formula. On one side of the equation are all the reactants, the items that are mixed together for the reaction to take place, and on the other side is the final product or outcome.
I wasn’t aware of what was happening to me all those years, because when I was living in the “water” of that house, I just considered it the norm and never questioned anything. But now, when I look back, I can see the patterns. If I want to visualize life in that house, I could use the following formula:
My nature + Time (Day/Wk/Yr) + Where Dad Was vs Where I Was + His Mood + His House Rules = My Experience
More generally, the ingredients were people, time, place, and rules. But no matter how you look at it, the equation was heavily weighted toward the power of his ingredients: Time, Where He Was, His Mood, and His House Rules.
Another thing about chemical reactions is that some ingredients have more power over the others, especially if they are present in overwhelming amounts, versus the others. In reactions, the reagent with the least amount present is called the “limiting reagent.” Once that particular ingredient runs out, the reaction is done.
For example, consider my nature. At any given time, my ability to be calm or in control of what was happening to me, was limited. If he he wasn’t around, most of the time I could be me, indulging in play with friends, books, daydreams, school. I say “most of the time” because there were times even when he was gone, that if he was angry with me, I would be a nervous wreck anticipating what was coming when he returned. But generally, I could use those “in-between” times away from him, to recharge, and live a “normal life.”
But when he was around, I needed to be on guard. I learned early on that everything about my day revolved around him and his mood. The absolute constant was to always be focused on him, assess the state of things, then adjust me to match what was happening. So in thinking about it, this required some amount of psychic energy no matter what.
If he was in a good mood, I still needed to stay on guard because I couldn’t be sure how long it might last or what might trigger a change. But if he was in a bad mood, I was consuming vast amounts of my emotional energy rapidly to “prepare or endure.”
The bottom line is that my emotional energy would run out long before his. So I was the limiting reagent. He could control me and have his way with me, even when I tried to resist, because all he had to do was keep battering me with his reagents — his mood, twisting his house rules, picking fights with me and not leaving me alone. Since he had these infinite amounts, sooner or later, I would run out of fight out of sheer nervousness. I would have to cave because I just couldn’t stand it anymore.
The last thing about chemical reactions is that they are either one-way or reversible. One-way reactions are “all-consuming,” that is, they can only go on until the limiting reagent is used up. Then the reaction stops. And there is no going backwards to restore any of that limiting reagent.
Reversible reactions can flow back and forth, sometimes benefiting one side and other times benefiting the other, depending on conditions. The chemical reaction in our house was one-way and all-consuming. His way, and I was being consumed.
Only now do I realize all of this, and the full extent of what I was up against. Yet, I am still here. I sustained, somehow, even if I am left with permanent scars. How did that happen? And what does that mean for my continued healing?
It’s time to look at not just Mom and Dad, but time, place, house rules, and the one “people” I haven’t said much about yet…that kid…me…that person in those “in-between” times. Just who was that kid, and why did she survive?
So that is next. But to start off, I will start with “place” — my world, the house and immediate area that I lived in. Then I’ll visit that young child and see what she was like, especially when he was not around…those “in-between times” when I could be myself.
And, of course, there will be maps and drawings.
Tags: family, life, love, mental-health, writing
Soul Mosaic 
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