Posts Tagged ‘mental-health’

Citrinitas – On To The Beautiful Reweaving

October 25, 2026

Our son has an embroidery hobby — a particular variant of fine lace embroidery — that uses wooden spindles and thin colored threads. His pieces are intricate, beautiful creations.

One day, while watching his process and examining the final piece, I thought about its resemblance to the journey I’ve been on.

This blog started with the dark, early posts where I was choking on floods of unidentified emotions that I knew I had to face. But first I would need to untangle a mess of knotted threads and examine each one. So those days were the impending storm.

Painting by author

Much of the blog over the last year and a half was about sorting through confusion. What happened? Why? What did it do to me…and others? How to find my way back?

It was a long, long journey of trying to put pieces together into something that made sense.

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Citrinitas – Breaking Free…Cycle-Breakers Part I

October 21, 2026

Late afternoons

Maybe it starts the first time you notice just how tightly you clench your teeth every afternoon around 3:00 p.m. Or with the anxiety that floods through you in response to the sun slanting lower in the sky. In those moments, before you even look at the clock, you realize that you already know what time it is. It’s the time that He’ll be home soon. And suddenly, any peace from the day’s respite evaporates.

That time, or the next, or the next, might not be enough to drive a change. But it’s a start. A crack in the wall of your despair. And cracks let drops of the outside world, with its different realities, seep in.

Over time, the crack widens. Because once you have noticed those things in the late afternoons, you can’t unsee them. And your anger and resentment build despite your fear.

The final straw moment might be anything. A poster on the back of the bathroom door at your doctor’s office asking if your partner hits you? Or are you afraid of them? And if so, call this number.

Maybe it’s something more stark, like seeing yet another bruise change from purple to that sick yellow-green as it spreads across your skin. Until you get another. And another.

For me, it was that time my father knocked my mother to the floor. Something in me snapped that day. Rage from years of listening to him hit her, and wondering if this was the time he would kill her, just exploded within me.

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Citrinitas – The Result of All His Abuse? Trauma Bonding

October 5, 2026

Stockholm Syndrome…and Patty Hearst

1973 – Stockholm Syndrome. 1974 – Patty Hearst’s abduction. 1981, 1993, 1997 -Defining Trauma Bonding.

These names have often been batted around almost interchangeably. And while they are related, there are differences that became clearer over the decades.

The term Stockholm Syndrome was coined in 1973 to describe the seeming bond that developed between hostages and their captor following a botched bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. The story is much more complicated and beyond the scope of what I want to write here.

But simply, it appeared at the time like the hostages were siding with their captor. In reality, they were traumatized by both their dangerous situation, not knowing if or when their captor might kill them, and the government’s clumsy negotiations that they felt almost got them killed.

Traumatized, enraged by the government putting them at risk, and responding to the kindness their captors started to show them, the hostages had to react in whatever way made sense to them to survive and live, even if it seemed strange to outsiders.

The bond even started to work in reverse. Their captor spoke later that while he initially would have killed them if he needed to, the more they got to know each other during the 6-day hostage situation, the harder it was for him to do that.

It should be noted that Stockholm Syndrome was not, and is not, a recognized psychological condition. From Wikipedia, here is the origin of the term:

“Nils Bejerot, a Swedish criminologist and psychiatrist, invented the term after the Stockholm police asked him for assistance with analyzing the victims’ reactions to the robbery and their status as hostages. Bejerot never met, spoke to, or corresponded with the hostages during or after the incident, yet diagnosed them with a condition he invented. Bejerot, speaking on a news cast after the captives’ release, described the hostages’ reactions as a result of being brainwashed by their captors.3(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome#cite_note-Adorjan_2012-3) He called it Norrmalmstorgssyndromet (after Norrmalmstorg Square, where the attempted robbery took place), meaning “The Norrmalm Square syndrome”; it later became known outside Sweden as Stockholm syndrome.5(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome#cite_note-5)“

The following year, that same term was applied to the 19-year-old heiress, Patty Hearst, who was abducted by a political extremist group and later seemed to side with them. That story, too, has many different complexities that I will not get into here.

Suffice it to say that both situations, which involved captives who seemed to switch allegiances and side with their captors, fueled even more research into the areas of captives, brainwashing, and domestic abuse, which had started in the 1950s with the Korean War POWs.

It was during the 1980s and 1990s that researchers, including Donald Dutton, PhD, Susan Painter, PhD, and Patrick Carnes, PhD, in their study of violence and victims, situations of power imbalances, intermittent reinforcement, and domestic violence, brought more clarity to these situations, along with a new term: Trauma Bonding.

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A Time Out to Answer – Why ANOTHER Book on Abuse?

October 2, 2026

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Leo Tolstoy , Anna Karenina

Where next?

Before continuing my path through this Citrinitas section of the book, I need to take a moment to reflect on the “WHY” of this book and “WHERE NEXT?”

As I’ve worked toward finishing this first “Bible-sized” draft of my story and my insights, I’ve also been thinking about draft # 2.

The important question about that next draft that has been percolating in the back of my mind is:

What is the best way to shape a publishable book from this full first draft, one that will deliver a useful, powerful, needed message to other survivors?

A fiction writer I follow described a story’s theme as “the truth of the main character.” I liked that. And I realized that works for memoir as well as fiction.

The bottom line is that however I shape the next draft, it needs to deliver my truth in my life…it needs to answer: What “theme” do I stand for and give the reader?

The REAL question

But there was an even bigger question that loomed over the first, one an agent, or editor, or publisher might ask:
“Why another book on abuse?”

From the start of this endeavor, I knew there absolutely NEEDED to be another story for readers on this topic; I knew it in my gut. But I also knew I would need to put that “gut knowing” into the right words of a compelling argument for any editor.

It has been in reading the news about yet ANOTHER incident of sexual violence against women…human beings…this time at Cornell. It is another HORRIBLE story that thankfully was brought out ONLY BECAUSE YOUNG WOMEN on the school newspaper refused to let it drop. And in that moment, I had my first clue to answer why another book….The power of STORY. It is only in the courage of the school newspaper’s reporters to deliver this story that there is a chance for justice to happen.

Now, I am not a lawyer or police officer or forensic analyst. So I cannot help the fight for justice in those ways.

But I am a survivor. A storyteller. A person who has BEEN THERE, even if my story details are different. I am a person who has had to walk, sometimes CRAWL back to healing…and eventually, even to thriving.

I have a story of my particular path through struggles, learning, survival, and despair. I have my own story of how I held on, refused to give up my life, and eventually reclaimed it to the best of my ability.

When I looked again at the question: “WHY ANOTHER STORY ON ABUSE?” I suddenly realized THAT IS THE WRONG QUESTION.

The REAL question is:

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Citrinitas – Create the Perfect System of Control

September 19, 2026

First rule of domination: establish the right “Family System”

“Chronic childhood abuse takes place in a familial culture of pervasive terror, in which ordinary caretaking relationships have been profoundly disrupted. Survivors describe a characteristic pattern of totalitarian control, enforced by means of violence and death threats, capricious enforcement of petty rules, intermittent rewards, and destruction of all competing relationships through isolation, secrecy, and betrayal….children who develop in this climate of domination develop pathological attachments to those who abuse and neglect them, attachments that they will strive to maintain even at the sacrifice of their own welfare…reality…or their lives.”
Herman 98

This description might seem like something from a concentration camp and one in which the people in it knew it was deranged and wrong. But this was normal life in our house – our “home environment. And we never realized just how ABNORMAL things really were.

Frankly, whatever environment you live in begins to shape you, whether you realize it or not. It shaped us, our assessment of things, our reactions and beliefs. After a while, whatever we were living in was our “normal life.”

How did he succeed in creating such an environment and such control over us? Rules and tools….

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Citrinitas – A Few Words About Domestic Abuse To Get Started

September 8, 2026

Disbelief to strangulation

I have some things to say about domestic abuse. And I’ll start with these quotes:

“I think about how easy it is for humans to make judgments when we’re standing on the outside of a situation. It’s easy when we’re on the outside to believe that we would walk away without second thought if a person mistreated us. It’s easy to say we couldn’t continue to love someone who mistreats us when we aren’t the ones feeling the love of that person.
Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us

“Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated….Normal people have a hard time comprehending that abusers go to such lengths, but they do.”
Shannon Thomas, Healing From Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

Photo by author

“Statistically we know now that once the hands are on the neck, the very next step is homicide.”
Rachel Louise Snyder, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us (67)

I lost count of how many times his hands were on my neck. God only knows how many more times they were on my mother’s neck….

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Albedo – Trauma Insight – Those Lifetime Costs

August 27, 2026

“…survival…is not synonymous with wholeness. We don’t survive whole.”
Daria Burke, Of My Own Making

The Superfund site

“Something in me…screams…This is not all I am. I had something more in mind to do….We are reclaiming what another human being…decided to ruin, to take for themselves…Many of us don’t die. But our trajectories are forever altered.”
Jen Cross, Writing Ourselves Whole

And Cross goes on to so eloquently point out that they didn’t just TAKE from us; they left us with a MESS to clean up, comparing us to an “oil spill,” a Superfund site in need of cleanup that will never be quite the same. :

“We spend the bulb and blossom of our lives cleaning up a toxic waste site. Meanwhile, we watch our friends come into full flower: making connections, reaching out, writing books, making marriages and families, developing their crafts, their skills, themselves. We watch them build careers, and wonder what is wrong with us that we can’t do what they’re doing. But we are still salvaging the superfund site inside of us. We painstakingly wipe off every blade of grass and feather of every bird that is a necessary part of our inside selves. The oil is never completely eradicated. Some of the areas impacted never recover…never become what they ought to have been…And then we simply have to mourn their loss, grieve what might have been….Meanwhile, those who polluted us are allowed to continue…”

I agree with every word…and deeply feel the effects of both what was taken…and what was left…and what goes forward…

“The past is not the past…We all bring every second of our lives to who we are today.”
Andre Dubus III, with Melanie Brooks, in Writing Hard Stories – Celebrated Memoirists Who Shaped Art From Trauma

About costs

Let me first be clear… I have managed to reclaim a lot in life. And Cross notes the same in her book when she indicated that we can become a hybrid of what we were meant to be; that we can go on, go forward, and still thrive.

But too often society “glosses over” that whole in-between section, the blatant, cold, hard reality that exists in between “the abuse and the thriving.” So for once, I want to be very specific about just what this life of mine has cost me…about the fact that no matter how good we make it – there were…and ARE…costs we incurred.

And by “we” I mean not just myself, or other abuse survivors, but society in general.

But first, let me talk about my personal costs in this.

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Albedo – Special Behaviors – Infancy Trauma – Part I

August 19, 2026

My Behaviors now –

I have written in past posts about my struggles with friendships, especially with women. I was clingy, insecure, deferred to others’ opinions versus having confidence in my own, and needed constant reassurance that people cared. And I didn’t always select the healthiest of relationships. Over time, I came to realize I’d been looking for my mother my whole life. Not the best foundation for a healthy adult relationship.

I don’t deny any of that. And I fully acknowledge that, try as I might to do better, the pattern repeated even as I didn’t want it to. I was mystified by my neediness and ashamed because my adult self viewed me as acting like a child. While I managed my professional life like the forty or fifty-year-old adult I was, why was I acting like an insecure teenager in my friendships?

As I worked with various therapists to overcome these insecurities, I kept failing. No matter how much we talked it through, I just could NOT get past it. Until one day, during some recent work with my current therapist, we struck on the problem.

We were doing a yoga exercise that involved my being on my back in a vulnerable position. Even as I relaxed into the pose, I found myself getting more and more anxious, afraid, and downright terrified. She called a halt to that work, and instead we discussed what had happened. She was quiet for a moment, then mentioned something about “somatic memories” and “object constancy.”

I’ll get into those in the next post. But for now, she basically explained that the reaction I’d had, as well as the insecurities and some other reactions we’d worked on, were all from a very early “pre-verbal” stage of life.

Trying to understand exactly what that meant, I asked my therapist if that was related to the sexual assault my father inflicted on me during a car ride when I was three. It was an assault I still remember clearly, but given my age, would that have been “pre-verbal?”

She shook her head and quietly said, “No. It would have been much earlier than that.”

I took that in for a moment. “How much earlier than being three?”

“Infancy.”

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Albedo – Trauma – Its Nature & Effects – Part I

August 13, 2026

These next two posts will be a bit more technical. I know what I lived through and what I experience now. But I wanted to understand from experts what the mechanisms are that harmed me, and how I can help heal myself.

That said, I am not going to make this a science paper. For readers who may want to dig deeper, at the end of the next post I will provide some of the books, researchers/authors, and topics I used for my own answers. Also, in the text below, there are links to connect to. And, as I always recommend, a good therapist is priceless. They know the very latest information from new research.

What part(s) of the body are affected by trauma?

Most books and articles will talk about the “nature of trauma…its effects on a person.” Terms come up like HPA axis, stress hormones, body organs, immune systems, metabolic syndrome. So getting a short answer to “exactly what part of the body is affected?” is not that simple. And I am not being flippant when I say I wonder if the best answer to that question is “everything.” I am not a doctor. But I think that answer has a lot of truth to it.

When a traumatic event happens, the bottom line is that it impacts a person…the human being…the living organism and so, all its structures. The reverberations of that trauma course through the whole body. The degree of the effects depends partly on how severe, frequent, or long-lasting the trauma was. Part on the person themself. Maybe if it’s not severe or only happened one time, a person might weather it okay, fight off the stress effects, or quickly heal from any.

But what if one’s entire childhood, marriage, or life circumstance was a series of repeated traumatic events? Then those effects multiply and deepen. And they “cost” you in very real and multiple ways.

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Albedo – Taking Things to the Next Level

August 10, 2026

Are you talking about me?

Until 2009, I didn’t really get it. Despite all I had lived through, I never considered that I had been “traumatized.” I knew I had been harmed, abused, even. But I never realized that “PTSD” applied to me, much less a diagnosis of severe PTSD with anxiety, depression, and emotional dissociation. I thought those things applied to someone else who’d had it “worse than me.”

But slowly, I started to grasp that the recurrent bouts of anxiety I felt so often were actually “emotional flashbacks.” That some of my health issues came from stress. And that the nightmares and medication for depression and anxiety spoke to deeper wounds than I’d ever understood. I’d written things off as I’d “just” been abused, never understanding how much harm had been done.

It was only slowly that I came to truly appreciate that severity… and how much work there still was to do. There were still so many things that I couldn’t get past and so many issues I revisited again and again. There is that saying that if life presents the same problem over and over, it means you’re not done with it. So my lessons were not finished.

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