“Rest” need not apply
The thing about me, especially before all this work, is that I feared I might get stuck again. In fact, it is one of my biggest fears. I don’t easily slow down or rest because I fear I might not get going again.
After all the years trapped in my parents’ house, I never wanted to experience that again. So, for most of my adult life, I’ve operated from a frantic energy to heal. And “rest” was not a welcome part of that process.
My therapist has often remarked that for many of her patients, she has to give them a push sometimes. But for me, she frequently needs to slow me down and help me be more patient.
The EMDR failure
In 2009, when I started working with her, I was in such agony from PTSD that we tried to do a round of the EMDR routine – that process of eye movements while remembering a particular trauma, that helps the brain reprocess and heal that memory. I’ll explain more in the next post. For right now, enough to say that at least at that time, I reacted very poorly. It triggered such a high level of anxiety and stress that my therapist stopped the session and said we would use other methods.
Other tools
Since then, we’ve used, and continue to use, CBT- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That is where we talk out the various issues, piece by piece, as often as needed, until I can figure out what is operating. Then we work to implement better ways to manage the trauma, and my life.
At times, she also taught me various Yoga breathing techniques to help my body relax. Or she would have me lie on my back with my feet elevated while breathing slowly. Both of these processes help the body’s parasympathetic nervous system to take over. That’s the one that helps calm you and slows down the stress and anxiety reactions.
The sympathetic nervous system is the one that is running in overdrive when triggered by trauma reactions. And no question, I spend a lot of time reacting from that sympathetic nervous system. Yet, these tools did help relieve some of that anxiety, and they continue to be very helpful.
The siren call of EMDR
But I also sensed that I wanted…and needed…to revisit that EMDR process again. It just kept “calling to me,” and my gut gave me no peace.
Still, it wasn’t a snap-of-the-finger decision. Those 2009 anxiety attacks had driven me to my knees, and I had no wish to re-experience that.
My therapist was equally restrained in considering whether this was a good choice. She was well aware that I have a tendency to push myself into hard things even when it is not advised.
But this time…something told me I needed to try again. That this time it would be different. I was stronger….had learned a lot since 2009…and if I was going to open that door to the past, this was the tool I wanted to use.
Also, frankly, there is a bit of the gambler in me. I grew up around many family members who enjoyed outings to the horse-race track or buying lottery tickets. And I knew they sometimes won. While I will sometimes take forever to decide I need to act, there will come a point where I just finally say, “Let’s roll the dice…I’ll take that risk.”
Fortunately, my therapist does not operate with dice. Before she would agree to consider this, she wanted me to think deeply about it before our next session. She asked me, “If we did this, what do you hope to get out of this process?”
What do you want?
It was a reasonable question. Even if we proceeded with this approach, it required clear thinking, specific goals, and a strict process. So I sat down and started journaling.
It didn’t take me long to decide. Reasons, goals, pure pain poured out of me and onto the page. At that moment, the question changed from “If we should do this” to how many things could we tackle, and how fast? Yes, always the impatient patient! But I wasn’t worried about that as I knew she was a skilled leader for this. She would help me pace it correctly and focus on the right targets.
But in the meantime, I needed to convince her that there was enough of an emotional storm building that required this tool. So I organized my thoughts and sent her an email a day or so later:
The email…
“Wed, Jul 25, 2018 – 6:00 p.m.
From our discussion today, you asked: ‘What do I want to get out of this process? Here is my answer:
PAIN: I just want to stop hurting – the fullness in my throat, the heaviness in my chest. The intense sadness. When can I stop hurting?
RAGE: I would like to throttle him, confront him, and ask: ‘How dare you?! How could you?! Who the hell did you think you were? Do you realize all that you took from me?’
RE OTHERS IN MY LIFE AND ANGER AT BEING SILENCED: When do I get to stop being silenced? When can I be myself, not have to hide, not have to pay the bill anymore for the comfort of others?” That has required my silence. Is it really comfort if you have to hide or avoid the truth? Why would others want to keep me in pain? I’ve been in pain my whole life. Must I continue? Is that what you want? I wish they would care about how much he took away from me….
ANGER, PAIN, AND SADNESS AT WHAT WASTAKEN: To say “LOSS” is the wrong word. Loss is when fate or life or the unpreventable happens. You lose something. But in this case – HE TOOK IT. He took so much away from me. I feel A FURY of emotions, a mixture of emotions about the loss. An explosion.
SHAME AND SELF-HATE: When do I get to stop hating that 27 and 30-year-old and that 50+ person who was weak, scared, and needy?
ANXIETY/FEAR: I am tired of being ashamed and afraid. When can I stop? I am tired of feeling waves of guilt, fear, and anxiety that come out of the blue.
DOUBTING MY TRUTH: I am tired of letting others impose their reality on me, or force me to be quiet, with “When is this going to be done? When are you going to live in the present and get over the past?” I am tired of reacting with fear if someone challenges me and my needs.
WRITINGTHE STORY: I want to be able to write my story with my own rage and fear transcended, so I can give hope to another.
MISCELLANEOUS:
- I feel like it is not a coincidence that all of this (the intense emotions) has come up again. There is something inside of me that is tired of carrying the fears, anxieties, anger, and pain. It wants to be heard.
- My whole life, I’ve been searching for that best female friend I could share anything with and be accepted.
- All my life, I’ve been searching for “Mom’s unconditional love and protection.”
- And there was the panic after Ed almost died – I am not strong anymore. That person who was “strong and didn’t need anyone” got broken by that event. Ed has been my rock. Who will be there for me if I lose him?
- It is time to go “through.” I don’t want to avoid or step back from doing this work. It’s time to deal with this.
- I have confidence that what is on the other side of this is better than where I am now, and that things could be really good.
- I have confidence in my counselor, my husband, and myself.“
Her decision
In response, I will note that my therapist wasn’t a pushover. She wasn’t going to let my rising emotions and impatience harm all the slow, steady progress we had made. But…she didn’t say no…..
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Tags: anxiety, life, love, mental-health, writing
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