Which terror is the biggest?
In looking back at my 2018 notes, whatever the specific items I listed in that email, I realized they boiled down to these core items:
- Fears (many)
- Shame
- Anxiety
- Rage
- Pain
- Self-hatred
The usual culprits, at least for me.
As to fear, it was interesting to see how many different things I was afraid of. And I can’t say that any one of them was bigger than another. They were all about equal in size…huge.
For example, at that point in time, even as I started to consider writing this book, I was ADAMANT that it would be under a pen name. I was absolutely TERRIFIED that any family members or people who knew me would see my name on the book. And I fully expected I would be attacked for speaking out loud. For that matter, I may yet be. But I feel differently about it now.
But at that point, I was even terrified of using a pen name. I still hated my younger self, was drowning in shame over many things in my life, and I still believed that telling my story would cause others pain, that I didn’t deserve to pursue this “navel-gazing,” and I would, rightly so, be attacked, then abandoned.
So it was no small thing that I even considered writing this. I will discuss efforts surrounding the issues of “why write, how, and how to manage courage and fear” in a few upcoming posts.
Reassuring my inner person
I find it helpful, especially when all my fears and emotions feel like they are ganging up on me, to get it out onto paper. Like an exorcism. That way I don’t have to carry them in my head, which both releases the pain of them and reassures me.
On that latter one – reassurance – I feel like as long as I have a list on paper, I know those things won’t be forgotten. For that hurting inner person at my core, it is calming. Soothing. She feels like this time she won’t be forgotten, stuffed down, or….locked behind that door again like in the past.
Sharpening the focus
It also helps me to formulate a coherent plan. I can’t just splatter rage all over the therapist’s office…well, I can, and there is a time for that, but in terms of us making a clear plan for the upcoming EMDR, that wouldn’t do.
So, armed with my notes and my list, we met again a few days later. We discussed the many things I listed in my email to her. As usual, she was the “skilled guide,” helping me distill things to some core issues. We kept circling around the issues, whittling things closer and closer to a starting place, until we came down to two. She was taking her time with me and making sure that before we did the EMDR round, I was totally prepared.
From my journal notes for that meeting, a plan emerged as she gave her assessment of the most pressing first issues, and some instructions for the next steps in our preparations:
“…I could choose to work on the issues around my white hot anger towards Dad: There are two types of anger in there – some is the anger of that little kid. But MOST is the fully strong adult who is absolutely enraged and outraged at what he did to a little kid in a car – HOW COULD HE? WHAT A PERVERT! HOW PATHETIC!
The other choice is to work on recovering and loving that teen, young adult, and even that older adult – the ones in the messy times – I was not weak; I did the only things I could do to survive until I could go forward. My rage at myself for having no choice but to capitulate – that’s why I hate traffic jams. I perceive that I am trapped and can’t do anything. And that little kid is in there going ‘Of course you can and must do something – there’s always something you can do – so why are you sitting there?!’
Her assessment: It’s “most important to start with the first one – that is the most burning, white-hot one.
The other is more about anger toward me and shame. Also, it’s the anger of the little kid who is judging that adult – me.
But the rage I am most choking on, the fear of him, the body feelings — so that comes first.”
Fear of success?
I said that I could see “the potentiality that at some point, this ‘stuff’ will finally subside and stop taking up the huge amount of energy and space in my life that it currently does. But then there is the fearful question of ‘What will I fill that time with? What will I want to fill it with? If I can be free of a chunk of that for the first time in over six decades, then what?“
She simply said that this was a “question for when that time comes to see how I feel and what comes up.”
I just noted my surprise at how strong this second fear was. And that sometimes there is a strange sort of comfort in the familiar fears and emotional issues, versus change.
But recently, I realized I am not alone in that fear of success or change. Author Jim Collins, in his book What to Make of a Life, looks at pairs of people in the same situation, where some major change took place, and they were now faced with the question, “Now what?” He calls those “cliff moments,” and it is in those moments and the decisions made that make all the difference in where life goes from there. That moment of “Okay, so I changed something, possibly for the better, but now what do I do?” seems to be a very common human fear.
My therapist heard that and understood, but reminded me of how much energy my current stress was consuming in me. We would just focus on that and deal with the other one later.
When I look back on that conversation, the other interesting thing was my internal reaction to her gentle reminder to focus on the present problem: “I immediately felt ashamed and like I did something wrong…like a little kid who still hasn’t learned to grow up and act like a balanced adult.”
She hadn’t criticized me at all. She was trying to help me succeed. Yet there was my fierce self-critical voice ready to tear me down. It was an indication of just how deep the self-hate, self-judgment, and shame went in me. So yes, more than enough present issues to work on.
The homework
The rest of my journal notes from that meeting revealed the careful steps she wanted to take to get me ready for this work:
“As a practice for narrowing my focus to a specific issue that we could use for the first session of EMDR, she asked me to think about specific memories to focus on, about that anger, and what that emotion is about?
My immediate answer today was, ‘I am angry because I have no control.’
She noted that in that first EMDR session nine years ago, I made the same comment.
But she said that I am in a different place on that “spiral staircase” now. I am seeing the same issue, but in a very different place “on the stairs.” So I will be coming at that from a new perspective.
In preparation, she asked me to spend some time considering the ways I have power.
Our next session on the 15th will be a regular session that is about instilling safe resources and the final EMDR prep. The 27th is our EMDR session. Ed will come and drive me, but will sit outside in the waiting room.”
So, with my homework assigned, I would spend some time looking at that white-hot rage toward my father, toward what his actions did to me, and that most elusive of things – determining just where I had power in my life….
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Tags: healing, life, love, mental-health, writing
Soul Mosaic 
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