“The scientist is not a person who gives the right answers; he’s one who asks the right questions.”
Claude Levi-Strauss
Questions, questions, questions….
When people hear of my background, the first and most common questions they ask are:
How did I survive it?
Why did I stay so long?
How did I finally get out?
For that matter, those are three of the big questions I’ve asked myself for years. And that second one in particular, I’ve used as a weapon.
I’ve bludgeoned myself with it, adding in judgment statements to go along with it like: How could I have been so stupid to believe that all his brainwashing was the truth? Or that our house was a loving, generally good one? Or, worst of all, “How could I have been so passive as to stay so long?”
These would then be garnished with another round of “How could I have been so stupid?” So, I doused myself in shame.
I know now that all of that bludgeoning was undeserved self-hate. But it took quite a while to realize that, and to start asking questions that took a hard look at all those years and the facts of how abusive households work.
Questions are key to healing. But it is not just about asking any old questions…but the RIGHT ones. And I’ve learned that the questions are even more important than the actual answers. They are the engines that push you to slog through the mud and fog to find understanding. The questions are the “meat of the work,” what you chew on to digest and get to the nutrition of answers. Before you extract insight, you have to wrestle.
Occasionally, there have been times I already knew the answer but had been either running from it or had just been blind to it. But then, pinned down by a finely focused question that wouldn’t let me off the hook, or one that swiped away the fog, I would finally come face to face with a truth I could no longer avoid.
For all of my life, aside from the above three questions, there has been one other unrelenting one. And no, it’s not: “Why me?” Frankly, that one has never haunted me. The real question dogging me all my life has been:
“Because of what happened, what do I do with it to give it usefulness and meaning?”
MEANING is the medicine I crave.
So, to get to that, I have a LOT more questions to chew on.
About questions
Do a Google search on “Why ask questions to heal from trauma?” and there are a number of answers. Sites pop up with “The 5 most important questions for…” or “Questions you need to heal trauma…” etc. Some are useful.
For me, though, I noticed that there are two aspects to consider when it comes to questions: their purpose and their nature.
Purpose
- Are they for making a decision or handling a current situation?
- Are they for learning, self-reflection, and healing?
Nature
Questions are like scalpels – they dissect and open things for examination. But what you are examining varies.
If the purpose is for decision-making or handling a current issue like a trauma trigger, my therapist has offered questions that I could use as aids:
For making a decision, she instructed me to use these as my criteria:
- Is it right?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
- Is it the right time?
And when caught up in anxiety or some other trauma reaction, to help ease it I use these:
- What am I feeling?
- Is it similar to something from my past?
- How is it different now?
- How can I calm and protect myself?
But then there are the kinds of questions for learning, understanding, and self-reflection. And it takes courage to face those.
Jen Cross, in her book, Writing Ourselves Whole, noted that “Questioning our stories is risky and frightening. Who am I if I’m not this person I’ve been telling for years?” And then she puts the ultimate scary question on the table: “What happens when we tell the untellable stories?”
My story sure fits that type. So yes, courage. And I will write of that very shortly.
But to come back to these questions, they range from the very open-ended philosophical to the very situation-specific ones. Either way, though, these types of questions all serve some specific goals:
- Reclaim my own power and agency to rebuild a sense of control and autonomy. That is – I have a right to ask these questions and look for answers.
- Shift from being stuck in an endless loop of “Whys?” to “What do I need for my life? What truths do I need? What answers can I find?”
- Reframe the personal narrative so I can shift how I see myself… such as, NO, I wasn’t stupid!
- Become more self-aware and notice my mental health state, so I can stay grounded.
So regarding these questions, I have a LOT. Some are deeply philosophical, for which there may be no one right answer…or any answer. And others are VERY specific to my life that I WANT answers to, even if I don’t get them.
Below is my current list of questions, and I have even grouped them by “topics or categories.” They are not in any specific order in those categories. But they are the things that have flooded my consciousness for years. I may never answer them all. And certainly not in this book.
But the funny thing is, I find that if I list them all, journal about them, then leave them free to wander unattended through the labyrinths of my consciousness, quite often, I get a response.
Sometimes it is an answer or a new insight. Other times, it is more questions to further refine my thinking. And occasionally, what I get is landing in a place where I realize – I don’t even care about that question anymore. It’s irrelevant or dead to me.
I can never know what response will come. But they show up. And for the ones I don’t care about anymore, well, even that’s its own peace.
But every one of them sparks a series of mental machinations that churn, percolate, and force me to think. Questions are great prompts for getting started on a journey to know yourself.
For the curious, here is my long list. I expect it’s not final. Not until I am dead. But it is a VERY useful tool, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this process.
Decisions:
Should I stand fast and face my trauma?
Is it the right time to do this?
What happens if I run away?
What will I think of myself?
What is the point of opening all this up now?
Me/Self-esteem:
What about me?
Do I have a right to speak openly?
Am I my own problem?
If my own parents didn’t love me, who will?
If others hear my whole story, will they still love me?
What am I if you don’t love me… and I don’t either?
Do I see myself as accomplished? Brave? Worthy?
Loss of identity and life:
What was taken from me?
What of me did I leave behind or lose along the way?
What did he turn me into? And is it something I could…or should get rid of?
What, of theirs, have I carried forward?
Is his rage mine?
Who am I? I was an emotional contortionist – being whatever I had to be to keep him happy. What am I now?
What could I have been or done in life if this had never happened?
What happens when I am not strong anymore?
Shame:
Why couldn’t I leave? How was I trapped and controlled?
How could I not know what incest was and that I wasn’t the only victim?
Who would ever want me if they knew?
Why did I think what was happening in our house was love?
Mom:
When was the first time he hit her? What did she feel?
Was he manipulating her before they married?
Did she know and allow it?
If so, why?
Did she know he was sexually assaulting me?
Do I believe her answer?
Does it matter?
Was she suffering from her own mental illness that set her up to be battered?
Did she feel he loved her?
What did she feel when he told us not to grow up to be a stupid woman?
What did she feel when he implied her actions caused him not to be attracted to her?
Why did she think I didn’t love her?
Why did she corner me but not confront him when I had to go to the property with him instead of helping her?
When he drove up and back to Vermont in one day to track me down during a camping trip, what was she thinking as she rode with him?
WHY didn’t she EVER stop him on those Sunday afternoons?
WHY didn’t she EVER come into my room to check on me?
What did she think when he made us all take a “family shower”?
Did she ever say anything to her parents, her brothers, or her sister?
Why did she stay with him?
Why did she choose him over her child? Did she sacrifice me for the family’s security? For hers? Why was she always going to Confession near the end of her life? What did she carry…and fear?
Was my memory of the pediatrician telling my mother someone was abusing her kids true?
Dad:
Did he have any goodness in him, really?
When he did good things, what were his motives, and were they true?
Did he ever change or feel any remorse?
Did he even think he did anything wrong?
Why did he think it was right to terrorize, hit, and control us?
Why didn’t he get help, even as he knew he was abusing me and said so on the Nova Scotia trip?
Why tell me I was the oldest and should know better, when in abuse, HE was the oldest and should have known better?
Why did he want daughters? To abuse them?
WHY DID HE ABUSE HER AND US?
Why did he need to abuse me to help him sexually with his wife?
Why did I show him kindness in his failing health and death?
Was he abused in life? Do I care? Does that excuse him for not getting help?
Did I ever want to hurt him?
Others:
Why did the priests blame me in Confession when I sought their help?
Does anyone have a right to tell you how to heal?
Why do people tell others to “Get over it?”
Why do people want you to just be silent even as it harms you?
Did the other adults in our family know what he was doing – either the sexual abuse or the physical assaults?
Philosophical:
What is hope…and is it a futile delusion?
What is truth, and can it be “objective”?
What is memory, and can it be trusted?
Can it be objective?
Where was God all those years?
Can God stop people from doing bad things?
Is forgiveness necessary for healing and peace?
What is needed for forgiveness?
What IS forgiveness?
Why can I forgive her but not him?
Does he deserve forgiveness?
Do I think I’ll ever forgive or pray for him?
Was any of this “meant to be,” or “God’s will”?
What do I feel at even considering that?
Am I grateful this happened in my life?
Can I make peace with unanswered questions?
Can I make peace with grief over losses?
Can I make peace with not being understood by extended family or others?
What is redemption? Is it worth it?
What happens to people like Dad, or Hitler, or serial killers after they die?
Do people who have died know what we are doing and thinking in our current life?
Abuse:
How long IS 28 years?
What do decades of repeated, frequent sexual assaults do to you?
Why do the abused stay silent?
HOW does abuse happen?
How do I know I was abused during pre-verbal infancy years?
WHY is there a statute of limitations on sexual abuse???
Why was my bedroom the only one with a door in that house?
Why was their bedroom in the open dining room area?
Will he kill her THIS time?
Will he kill ME this time?
Healing:
Why paint?
Why write?
Why now?
Why use my own name?
Why have I been so terrified to stand up for myself? Write this story?
Why did it take a lifetime to speak?
Why did I think I was being “bad” to speak my truth?
Why use a story format, and what does it do?
Who can it help? WILL it help?
Why does writing seem to make it better?
Why does movement help?
What are somatic memories and healing?
Why ask questions?
What do I want for the future?
What do other victims of abuse want to know from me? What would help?
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
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