The swamp
Whether I call this period of my life the Nigredo phase, the Dark Night of the Soul, or an existential crisis, the name doesn’t matter. It was just bleak.
I had chosen this – unleashing all the emotions that had been waiting a lifetime for me to face them. And looking back, I would still make that same choice. It has been worth it.
But at the same time, I won’t deny that the years from 2018 until about 2023 were truly daunting. My safety net came from my therapist’s skill and her carefully paced processes, my husband’s and friends’ support, and my strength from the previous years of work.
From 2018 to the end of 2019 alone, I had thirteen sessions of EMDR. So much came up all at once, all of it urgent and intense, that we just needed to keep doing them to manage all the “hot” emotions.
2021 would be another intense year with five more EMDR sessions, followed by my mother’s death shortly before that Christmas. And while 2023 only needed three, the fury of a two-hour-long explosive session that March made up in intensity what the rest of the year lacked in numbers. It was a game-changer, and I’ll write more about that soon.
For now, I will simply say that there were many times I felt like I was walking through the fog-shrouded swamp. To look anywhere held the same view — bleak, gray, and limited, as if the swamp had always been my reality and had no beginning or end.
Each step only guaranteed it would be deep, squishy, and uncomfortable. I felt like at any moment I could be sucked under the muck or struck by the sharp fangs of a hidden viper. And I was blind to what lay ahead, or behind me.
But at that point, I learned the best thing was to just keep stepping. There was no point in turning back because that was swamp too. No matter where I turned, it was just more swamp. So I might as well just keep going forward, trust the process, and believe there was an end to it somewhere.
First…The Process…
What was the process of marching through the swamp of this dark time? And what was in that swamp?
First, the process. While my therapist, who is a trauma specialist, had many tools, which included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Yoga and body movements, and meditation techniques, the BIGGEST tool during this period by far was EMDR – the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing sessions I’ve described before.
Given the deep well of intense emotions, EMDR was absolutely vital for me. It was the chisel that cracked open the deeply-embedded trauma reactions and beliefs, so I had a chance to reframe and heal them.
In looking back at the list of all our EMDR session dates, I feel amazed at just how much work we have done over the last several years. Not just so many meetings, but how we had to repeat the same topics so many times, because that topic was …or still is…so deeply rooted and complex.
But before we could even do those sessions, we had to do a lot of preparation. I had to reflect, question myself. Who was I at that moment? Who did I want to be? What things was I still resisting or sabotaging? I needed to be totally open with myself – no holds barred about purpose, hopes, and flaws.
Then we had to define the many issues that roiled beneath the surface. And come up with concrete memories and specific triggering details because those were what made the EMDR sessions effective.
How did we pick which topic to tackle first? We didn’t. My psyche, my body, and life did. In the course of our discussions, I would feel a particularly intense emotion start to build around a specific memory. That was quickly followed by physical sensations in my body — a choking feeling in my throat, chest pressure, joint aches. The emotions would build, making it clear it was time to get them out.
Again, and again, and again this happened. It was like having the emotional equivalent of an “intestinal bug.” With the intestinal virus, you have to keep running to the bathroom to throw up. And once it starts, there’s no stopping things until the “bug” runs its course.
It’s the same with the emotions. They swell, need to come out, be felt. Once it starts, there’s no holding back. Just like trying not to throw up is useless once the intestinal virus takes hold, trying to stop the emotions from coming out once they start is a waste of time.
And what would be the point? I invited them “to the party.” I wanted to feel better. So…I had to feel them and let them come out.
When these emotional cycles came up, my therapist would ask:
- What are you experiencing right now?
- How is it similar to something you’ve experienced before?
- How is it different?
To help me manage the intense emotions I was holding at that moment, she would ask:
- What action(s) can I take to feel safer?
Then we would get the details set for the EMDR session itself:
- Choose the strongest single emotion to explore in the upcoming session.
- Identify the strongest memory that triggers that emotion.
- Identify what the mistaken belief was about myself or that memory that I still carried within me.
- Decide what I would like to believe instead.
- List a few safe memories I can call up during the session if it becomes too intense.
It was only at this point that we could begin the EMDR sessions. I will give some examples in future posts of some of the topics we worked on and the changes that emerged from them.
But next — WHAT was the scenery of my life in those years…or plainly put – exactly what was I dealing with?
What was in that swamp??
There were four main categories that defined those years and that were the “raw material” for all my work at that point:
- Emotions
- Fear
- Despair
- Worthlessness/Abandonment
- Ache/Sorrow/Grief
- Shame/Powerlessness
- Rage
- Nightmares and their evolution
- Flashbacks – body memories and emotional flashbacks
- The liberation and reframing in my EMDR sessions
Maybe it’s fair to say that all of these categories still exist. The process categories don’t change. But the landscape — the nature of those items does change. And so have I.
That is the gift of those years and all that slogging through muck of the swamp. Those experiences led to a true “Tipping Point” that has brought me out of that swamp and into the brighter alchemy stages of insights – Albedo and Citrinitas – and the warm, red, Rubedo stage to start reclaiming my power. And even as I will no doubt revisit some “swamp places” now and then, it will be from a much different place for me.
In the next posts, I will explore those “landscape categories” I’ve listed, and what happened to me in each of them.
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
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