Before I move on to the next post about the upcoming explosion of nightmares that started to peak in this period, I need to revisit the post from a few days ago – “Time Out for a July 2026 Status Check on My Current Level of Rage.”
When meeting with my therapist the other day, she made some very important observations about the role of “rage” in my life and helped me realize I was looking at things the wrong way.
And about the same time, a reader shared her own thoughts about my posts. Her wise insights reinforced the therapist’s ideas. So, I want to take a brief “time out” to add an “Addendum” to that earlier post.
Just like those Sundays…
“What do you think your current rage does for you…what does it give you?”
I pondered my therapist’s question for just a moment, then answered with no hesitation: “Validation. That I have every right to be angry!…And power – that I am strong enough to stand up for me.”
She nodded and firmly agreed that I absolutely had every right to feel rage for the terrible things he did to me.
“How do you see the anger in the future? How do you see it as you move toward the end of writing this book?”
“I want the rage gone. I want it to be something more effective….and yet it is such a strong emotion out of all of the ones I struggle with, that I expect it will take me all of the rest of the book to find my answers on it. I am curious to see what it will be like by the end of the writing.”
She agreed that it would no doubt be with me through the rest of the book, and questioned me about wanting it gone.
I expressed my concern over the fact that I felt such intense rage and wanted to be rid of it. I saw the damage my father inflicted on all of us with his own anger, and so I have always viewed that emotion as “poison.” Something out-of-control and to be avoided. And there was no way I was going to be him.
“I just hate that the anger comes up because then I have to waste so much energy trying to manage it.”
Here she took issue with me. “It isn’t a waste of time and energy to care for yourself in a healthy way.”
“But if I could be rid of this intense anger, think of how many other things I could do with that energy besides managing the damage he caused!”
She spoke kindly. “I hear the second arrow in your statement.”
“The second arrow?”
“Judgement. Framing it as ‘a waste of time’ is judgment. And I hear you saying you want to get rid of it. Have you been able to get rid of your anxiety?”
She had me there. I suddenly realized what she was getting at.
For most of my life, I have lived with tremendous anxiety, usually on late weekday afternoons, and most especially, Saturdays and Sundays. It would come up spontaneously with no warning, no matter what I was doing. It was an insidious, creeping sensation that I would start to notice. And then it would swell in magnitude and flood through my body, leaving me with my teeth clenched and muscles taut.
For years I couldn’t understand why that happened or what it was about. I only knew I felt stuck in my progress and frustrated that I couldn’t get rid of the anxiety attacks. I felt like a failure because, try as I might, I could NOT get rid of them. Judgment.
Gradually I came to understand that those were emotional flashbacks to times from the past right before moments of abuse. Those weekday afternoon sensations of heavy despair and dread would start around 3 or 4 p.m., the time not long before Dad would be home from work. And the Saturdays and Sundays were prime times when Dad would try to abuse me sexually, or physically and emotionally if I avoided him. So the high level of fear at those times, even decades later, made sense.
The fact was, they were a very real and valid reaction to such severe and prolonged trauma. I might not like it. And I could wish it didn’t happen, but the fact remained that it was one of the scars he left me with. Another one of those “costs.” Was it fair? No. But…it’s the way it is.
As she explained then, the anxiety attacks will always be with me. So I can fight them and be upset, or I can accept them as a valid part of me and calm them…and me, sooner. She suggested I greet the anxiety with the words, “Ah, yes, it’s you. I know you. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
It didn’t change overnight. But the more I stopped fighting the anxiety and practiced accepting it, I felt relief instead of failure. I started to embrace it with compassion. Like an old friend. Maybe not the most comfortable friend, but still, one that has been with me all my life.
Has it “gotten rid of” those anxiety moments? No. But I am now able to calm them better. They disturb me a little less. By recognizing them as simply a part of me, and one that deserves love, I changed. It has made a big difference.
So why is rage any different?
The bottom line in this conversation was that rage is an emotion just like anxiety. In fact, they are related, and I will write about that later. But she emphasized that there is nothing wrong with having anger or feeling it. In fact, it is essential to my healing, to FEEL it. Get to know it. Accept it.
“He did horrible things to you! You have every right to be angry. But the answer lies, not in rejecting it or wishing you could get rid of it, but in embracing it and bringing it closer. There will never be ‘getting rid of it.’ The true goal is to get to know it, accept it is there and will be, and find the best way to manage it in the moment. The way that allows you to RESPOND well, not REACT poorly.”
Holding the leash
She added, much to my comfort, that she has actually observed a lot of change in me regarding how I have been managing the anger. And she reminded me that anger isn’t a bad thing. It just must be used the right way, but it is a necessary emotion to have.
“When we first started working together, how would you describe your relationship to anger then?”
I shook my head. “In 2009, all I felt was terror and despair. Maybe anger was there, but I could not feel it or reach it.”
So the fact that I was now not only in touch with anger on a very visceral level, but also managing it better, felt like a major achievement to me.
Even the reader who commented on my post affirmed this shift. I had written of being enraged at a snake that had destroyed a bird nest and eaten the eggs. My immediate reaction was that I wanted to kill it. But instead I restrained myself and took my time considering the best way to handle things.
She pointed out that from that story, she felt I had already changed the rage reaction. Instead of being the “Rage monster” I spoke of in that earlier post, she said that I was already becoming the person outside of it, “Holding the leash.”
When I stopped to reflect on all of this, I recognized both my therapist’s and the reader’s observations were true. More and more these days, despite getting triggered by something, I find myself stopping to “pause and take a breath” before acting. I catch myself and pose the question, “Do I need to react this way?” And most times, I can find a better way to respond.
But it isn’t fair
Correct. None of these costs or scars are fair. They were done to me and given to me. I can rail about “what if” or “if only” until the cows come home. But as my husband framed it: “It’s not about the ‘What ifs,’ but the ‘What nows?’”
And well-managed rage is really “outrage,” which is that force for good, that challenges a wrong and fights to change things for the better. I am finally starting to understand that I can’t…and shouldn’t…get rid of anger. But I can make it EFFECTIVE.
So rage…get to know it, bring it closer, make friends with it. Or as my reader said it:
“Put it on the leash.”
Now, back to “healing through nightmares”…
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
Leave a comment