The next phase
It is time now to move from the darkness of the Nigredo phase of my work into the Albedo – the burning white phase of the purification crucible — where the light of insight begins to be seen. That phase was where I started to see patterns and connections, and things began to make more sense.
I began to understand more clearly the costs of the abuse and the harms done. I finally accepted that I could no longer deny those harms, and that some harms, no matter how hard you try to fix them, are permanent. Instead, I needed to embrace my scars if I wanted a good life in the present and future.
Also, this is where I began to research and truly discover what all those years of stress and strain had done to me, not just to my psyche, but to my body and nervous system. And what things I might do now to help ease the medical problems those harms caused.
Questions…
Most of all, I started listing all the questions I realized I wanted answers to. Or at least needed to ask. Things like:
- How, exactly, was my father able to wield so much power over me, over all of us? What HAPPENED in that house that he could do that?
- Did he have any good in him or was it all an act?
- How did I survive?
- When was the first time he hit my mother? What did that feel like for her?
- Why could I forgive her?
- Will I…can I…SHOULD I forgive him? Why or why not? Do I care?
- What happens to people who do evil things in life, after they die? Do I care?
- How do I feel now about myself, women friends, life in general?
- What meaning can I bring to my life…is there a gift hidden in my pain that I can give to others?
- Why were my husband and I able to build a relationship when the odds were so against us?
- And where are we today? What have we learned about each other…and do we like that?
- What is my future?
And of course there are the most “existential” questions of all:
- What about God?
- What is redemption? Transformation? Healing?
- What is hope? Is it possible after trauma?
- What exactly is REAL, unconditional love?
A new reason to write about abuse
As I contemplated this, yet another purpose for my memoir came to me this morning.
Some may ask, “Why write another book on sexual abuse?” Certainly, there can be a myriad of reasons backed up by tons of research data and crime statistics. And I myself have a number of reasons for writing:
- Tell the story of my trauma and my journey to thriving so I can heal
- Help and empower others to find their own path to healing
- Give voice to those whose lives were cut short by the damage their own sexual abuse experiences caused them
But this morning I realized there is one other reason for me to write, something that maybe my personal story can give, and it is related to two key questions.
The 2 questions…
People ask, why do survivors of sexual abuse wait so long to say what happened…if they even do? By the time they speak, the statute of limitations for pressing charges has often passed.
I have a bigger question – WHY do some places even have a statute of limitations on sexual abuse crimes?
There is no statute of limitations on my pain, the costs I’ve paid for what was done to me, and the permanent scars I will carry until the day I die. Where is the expiration date for my nightmares, anxiety attacks, and severe PTSD?
This memoir can definitely answer the first question – Why does it take a lifetime to speak?
And could sharing that experience powerfully impact enough people to change the answer to the second question? Get RID of the statute of limitations on sexual abuse cases?
If people can “feel” what intense abuse is like and how that crime silences and sometimes destroys a soul, maybe they can help change the laws?
So there. I have four reasons now to keep writing.
Next, on to the Albedo chapters of these last few years….
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
Leave a comment