Those other worlds
Perhaps the best way to move on into the next section of the book, the “Albedo” or brightening dawn of insights, is to note some things from the past that still have a powerful hold on me, and explore why.
As a kid, I was passionately drawn to five things: fossil brachiopods, marine biology, and the books: The Odyssey, Jules Verne’s The Mysterious Island, and The Adventures of Robin Hood. To this day, I still passionately love them.
The Odyssey was an almost unending series of sea adventures through fantastical lands and the underworld, while battling the angry gods of Mount Olympus, and ending with the “hero” meting out overdue “justice.” I put quotes because the adult me has some very different views about Odysseus himself that I’ll write about later, though now it’s the female characters in The Odyssey that pull at me powerfully.
The Mysterious Island involved a group of castaways who used their collective knowledge and skills to carve a comfortable existence on an uninhabited island, including a secure cave home inside of a rocky ocean-side promontory.
And Robin Hood and his group of merry men always defeated corrupt sheriffs, churchmen, and princes, ate well, and moved with total impunity through the depths of Sherwood Forest, masters of their own fate.
Marine biology was my dream for a distant future, where I would be a female Jacques Cousteau, sail in a research vessel, and spend my days beneath the peaceful waves amidst the beautiful creatures of the depths.
And the brachiopods…they were ancient marine creatures that, while virtually defenseless in a hostile environment, could sequester themselves inside a secure outer shell that they controlled totally, and could open and close only long enough to allow food and water, but no predators, in.
Hmmm…notice any common themes here? Places hidden, secure, and distant where I would control my own safety, food, choices, and destiny? The ability to win out over danger and villains, deliver justice to those who would transgress against their fellow man, and do it all with confidence, self-assurance, and power?
Yes, that about sums up the desires of my younger self trapped in that house all those years. That was what I had hoped for…deserved.
Instead, the reality was that home was a prison. I did not get to achieve those adventures, but was instead filled with self-loathing, fear, judgment, and despair. And for the longest time saw myself as a freak and failure because I couldn’t stand up to my abuser and felt no one would ever understand or love me.
And my life could have stayed there, but for the gifts of so many therapists, so much love from key people, and that thank God, I did not give up.
But WAIT A MINUTE! – Real truth dawns
After a lifetime of carrying that load, fighting to come back, and now, doing all that work to break open my emotions, I finally felt like a sky must feel after a storm — clouds leaving, streaks of blue peeking out, and some sunlight was breaking through when it seemed gone forever.
Instead of self-loathing, there was growing surprise that I’d ever doubted or judged myself. Indignant questions started to challenge all that old abusive programming with things like:
- Why was I blaming ME for his choices? Choices he KNEW he made, as he actually ADMITTED to me on a vacation that he knew he had abused me.
- Why was I staying silent about having to live a life no one else wanted to hear about? Wasn’t it time to come out of the closet and stand up for me? Didn’t I have a right to my own life and story?
- Why was I ashamed of ME? Shouldn’t I instead stand up and feel proud that I was still here…that I had made it through so much?
- And the one to end all self-loathing – WHY would I have thought I should have known better? How could I have known what “normal” even was? And if no one else could ever understand that, the hell with them!
With all the therapy and EMDR and yoga, realizations came flooding out. And with some of the dark, heavy ones out of the way, other ones, even tenderness, could come up.
The Supremes
One day as I was driving, Diana Ross and the Supremes came on the radio. They were singing an old one called “I’m Living in Shame.” It was about a young woman who was so ashamed of her loving but uneducated mother that she avoided her mom until it was too late. Then she was consumed with grief, guilt, and longing. The most wrenching part of the song was the refrain about how much she missed her mother. You could hear that inner child pleading in agony to have just one more chance to have her mother back.
While none of those things applied to my relationship with my mother – I had tried so many times to connect with her, and thankfully, was able to as she died – still, the intense pain and longing of the refrain over missing her mother in the song tore at my heart. And still does.
In fact, after that explosion of emotions during that March 2023 EMDR session, that July I wrote in my journal: “Mom…I didn’t expect to miss you…but I do…a lot.”
It was the ache of all those years we couldn’t be close, all that time lost…wasted… because HE took them from us. It was the ache of having a connection with her at the end, but still missing the opportunity to have her here one more day to call on the phone.
In fact, though it makes no logical sense, I still have her phone entry in my cell phone contact list, along with a last voicemail from her. I can’t bring myself to listen to her voice, and her phone number is long since disconnected, but I can’t bring myself to delete either one from my phone.
Despite the fact she had failed me so many times, once I could remove the plug of blind rage I felt toward him, other, softer things still present in my heart could make their way to the surface…things like”
“Mom…I didn’t expect to miss you….I didn’t expect to love you….I didn’t expect to forgive you…I so miss you.”
Though it hurts and is bittersweet, it is still a place of peace after so much hurt.
Go Deep
Author and Duke Divinity School professor Kate Bowler wrote about the struggle of living life in total uncertainty after receiving a cancer diagnosis. Uncertain she would even live, she talked at length about “having her future taken from her.” She had always been a force of nature, planning, driving herself, achieving, and making more plans. Then all of a sudden, all of that “future” was gone.
She noted that even now, in remission, she has been permanently altered emotionally, because “the future” is not a place she can take for granted anymore. There is just now.
She talked about the fact that during all her treatments, life got very restricted and narrow. When asked how she coped with that, she answered with a comment that I think has been the story of my life in many ways…and especially now during this long dark struggle to write my story:
“…when life can’t be wide…then just…make it deep”
I loved that. So many times as I’ve trudged through my therapy and my writing, I’d question the usefulness of it all, whether I was wasting my time and money, and “shouldn’t I just instead go out and live it up?”
In those moments I would always come back to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s comment: “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can’t run away from whatever haunts you….you can try, but no matter where you go…it’s still there with you. So you may as well stop running and face yourself.
And when life doesn’t allow you to be “wide-ranging,” then go deep. She concluded with the recommendation that “we need to practice getting up as close to the edge of the cliff as possible.”
So, “go deep…and close to the cliff-edge.”
Up Next
The things I started to understand about trauma and costs, and…the snakes battle back, but I stand firm…
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
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