Soul Mosaic

Is it about a name…or an action?

There are so many labels tossed around:

• Narcissists (Which can now be split into Grandiose versus Vulnerable ones)
• Sociopaths
• Dark Empaths

And diagnoses:

• Antisocial Personality Disorder
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder

And qualities like the Dark Tetrad of Malevolent Traits:

• Psychopathy
• Machiavelianism
• Narcissism
• Sadism

There are articles I see:

• The 15 Signs of a “this diagnosis”
• The 10 Questions “that diagnosis” won’t answer
• and on and on

All of them contain useful, affirming information. But all of them can also be totally confusing and overwhelming. Especially if I asked the wrong questions.

It would be easy for me to get caught up in ones like:

• What label fit my abuser?
• Which diagnosis defined him?
• Was my abuser more than one of those names or diagnoses?
• Where is the line that one crosses so that you DEFINITELY know what they are?

The trouble with any of these things is that my quest for answers becomes mired in some kind of psychological “pattern-matching” game. And for me, at the end of the day, those questions, diagnoses, and labels are irrelevant. Certainly, one or some of those things DO fit him. But I am not going to get into exact designations here.

For one, I am not a mental health professional, so there is no way I can accurately diagnose him. And secondly, I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter what I call him. What matters is what he DID….How he controlled us. And what that did to us.

So instead of getting wrapped up in names and labels, I want to focus on his behaviors…the things he said and did. Those are things I KNOW for sure. I watched them. Felt them. Was the target of them.

The one thing all those articles did help me with was to identify behaviors that were abusive, demeaning, and destructive. They affirmed my realization that much of what my father did was harmful and weaponized against us. His behaviors, methods, words, and tools deconstructed our healthy, natural identities; destroyed our self-esteem; removed our independence and life options; and confined us to be only what he wanted and needed.

The goal of this Citrinitas phase

For these Citrinitas posts, I realized I needed to lay out what he did. So instead, I have these questions:

• What behaviors, traits, and tools defined him?
• Which ones, of the many listed, were his “weapons of choice” in our house?
• What did that do to us as a result?

My goal for this Citrinitas section is to see clearly, once and for all, who he was when viewed from my side of the table as one of his targets.

I want to show the MAGNITUDE of the ABSOLUTE power he brought against us, both me and my mother. I NEED to see how impossible that situation actually was, both for who she was and who I was. And I need to show just how many outside factors — the times, culture, financial situation, and lack of women’s resources — trapped us.

So finally, for the first time in my life, I am laying it all out — his ENTIRE ARSENAL. Why bother?

For one reason, that effort will answer three questions I have carried for years:

• Why didn’t my mother – the other ADULT in the house – fight back or leave him?
• Why did it take me so long to stand up to him, fight back, and get out?

And most disturbingly:

• If I, or anyone else, was put in my mother’s shoes at that time, under those circumstances, with her background and with the constraints of that society and culture, could any of us have done any better against him?

The “unpalatable” answer

For years I proclaimed I would have never let him get away with his abuse…I was DIFFERENT…STRONGER than her. But as I’ve gotten older, I have grown much less judgmental of my mother. As I learned more about the dynamics of relationships and relative power in them, I am not so sure. As much as I choke on saying this, I fear I might not have done any better. As I will write later, in some ways, my mother and I were on a parallel path.

So because of that fear, and a possible answer I find unpalatable, I need to look hard at this to understand just how “un-level” that playing field was.

The “unpalatable” tragedy

This is a hard section to write… well, a hard section to write well. Because this is the crux of it all. This is where the reality of how all this happened to me and my mother, of how all this happens to others, gets explained.

And I don’t just want my own understanding of all of this mess; even more, I want to write it well and clearly for any reader. Because even now, at a time in history with more resources available and more awareness of abuse, people are still being controlled, terrorized, and sometimes killed in their own homes. It is an unpalatable tragedy.

So I am going carefully here, because I hope that if I do my job well, maybe it can help another.

Under the microscope – what does it all look like?

Up next – regardless of what name I use for the person, what are some of the defining behaviors of abuse in a relationship?

Note:

I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.

Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.

This entry was posted on September 14, 2026 at 8:00 am and is filed under Memoir - sexual abuse trauma recovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.