I’ve been quiet the last few days with no new posts. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of “incubation” and “percolation” going on. What was born of all that work is a possible path now through this last section of the book-writing.
Order so you can revel in chaos?
Yesterday, I listened to a podcast by writer Ryan Holiday. His focus, both in his books and speeches, is on the philosophy of Stoicism. I’ll speak more of that later, but for now, its basic premises involve being aware of your mortality, not wasting precious time, and focusing on what is in your power to control while letting go of things that aren’t. But it was one thing he said in the podcast that nailed where I am at in my writing process right now.
This last phase of my book feels like a chaos. There are so many threads that my life story has raised, and now I need to draw them together into meaningful insights and answers. But looking at the piles of paintings and folders scattered before me in this picture, I just wondered — where do I start? How do I do this well…logically…and give my readers meaning?
NOTE: All photos below are by the author
Holiday, in his podcast, talked about the need to have an orderly workspace. Because if you can organize your workspace and materials, then you are free to dive into the chaos that is the actual work. Order is what makes being in chaos possible. It sounds counterintuitive, but it made total sense to me.
The piles on the bed in my workroom are the chaos I’ve always felt in my life. They are the reason I needed to write, the clues to solve the mystery that is me: How to understand my life, and answer questions like, “How did I survive, why, and what does it all mean?” So I know that my ultimate truths and peace are in those folders. But HOW to access that?
I thought about Holiday’s comment, and also my own background as a science person. I’ve been steeped in “protocols, procedures, and scientific approach.” I know that before you do any experiment, you have to decide “What are you looking to learn,” and then set up a very narrow, orderly framework to explore that. Then, once ensconced in that framework, anything can happen, but that’s what “experimenting” is all about.
I am that weird combination of right- and left-brained — a creative artist and writer at heart, but an orderly science person by trade. Add in ADHD, and a brain that scored a 98th percentile for “idea productivity” on a skills test, and the potential to be overwhelmed is right there. I can see infinite slants, connections, and possible meanings. So HOW do I bring order to all that chaos?
Maps. Like always. Like that young child, I was playing with that map-making kit all those years ago. I take every idea that comes up, dump it onto a large sheet of paper, and then begin to look for patterns.
For this process, I just started with that brain dump of ideas and started drawing lines connecting various concepts to others. And cramming in any new thoughts that I’d forgotten. It looks insane, but at least it was out of my head and on paper where I could see the “whole” of it.
Then I redid the mind map again and again, each time digging down closer to the core elements. With every new map, a few new ideas, forgotten themes, and more details would come up and get added in.
After doing this two or three times, I started noticing that certain topics came up most often. Eventually, I distilled all those down to six “main categories.”
Armed with the final categories, I then literally cut up all of my mind maps into the separate topics, grouping all related thoughts into a specific section.
With those things pinned down, I took all the stray papers for each section and made a mind-map for that category, adding in more context, structure, and any cross-references needed.
Slowly, with six mind maps, one leading into the next, order emerged. Order from chaos, so I could then be free to indulge in exploring the chaos of my life, and not lose my way. It’s like a boat bobbing on the waves but tethered with an anchor so the boat doesn’t get cast adrift.
These categories gave me a loose road map for how to write my way through the “Undiscovered Country” part of this book.
- Start with where I am right now, then backtrack to what I was feeling in 2018 when I began the intense therapy.
- From Buddhism, there is a concept of “right mind.” What kind of attitude should I bring to this process? Is it grounded in my soul and willing to be open to whatever I learn? Am I open-minded to challenging my own preconceived notions and testing myself for willingness to change? And then, the decision in 2018 to go forward with the types of therapy processes that would best challenge me.
- Entering the Underworld. Here is the journey from 2018 until now, the dark places I visited, what I experienced, what tools I used, how it felt, and what resulted from that work.
- As I did the work, “realizations” emerged about what the underlying issues and problems were in that house. And also, a full awareness of just how much the abuse all those years had cost me. That meant facing hard emotions such as rage, grief, sorrow, and resentment.
- With clear eyes on all the hard truths, clarity and discernment can come. The understanding of the facts behind why I was trapped, how my father managed to control us, and with that, a way back to loving myself. I was NOT stupid or to blame.
- “The Return” to now, and the experience of “rebirth.” After all the work, wrestling, rage, and sorrow, WHAT do I feel now? Where do I see the future leading? What’s different? And how will the book draw to a close?
The only other thing I need to do now is rearrange the mess on the bed so the folders are in the same order as the mind maps. That way, I know exactly where all my notes are for each topic.
I fully expect that, as before, the journey may shift. The road map will have detours or new pathways, but overall, the very fact of having this structure gives me the chance to just “let go now,” and see what comes…be open to the chaos that leads to ultimate clarity and peace.
So, it begins.
Tags: life, love, mental-health, mindfulness, writing
Soul Mosaic 
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