To close out this Albedo section, a “Moment of Respite” before diving into the intensity of the next section – Citrinitas. Moments of Respite are my precious “restorative” technique I’ve used throughout life to sustain me.
To sustain them
While I was still working at the museum, I did a class I called “Science Conversations.” It was a free-form, walk-in kind of program. Kids visiting the museum could walk in, and I would have some kind of science demo. But the real goal, what I really wanted, was to get the kids talking about themselves.
What were their dreams?
What did they love?
What lurked in their imaginations that they hadn’t even considered?
And I didn’t even care if they hated science.
I’d engage them with oddball questions that caught them by surprise and got them laughing and talking.
“If you could build a flying car or a time machine, which would you choose, and why?
And if it was a time machine, where would you go…and why?”
I made it clear there were no wrong answers, that everyone must respect each person’s responses, and that always, there had to be a “why.” Because WHY was the core of them.
They would be timid at first. Just one or two brave souls. But the more they saw I loved and really engaged with their answers, and that I truly wanted to hear from them, their inner floodgates opened, and dreams poured out.
I asked one time, “Doesn’t anyone ask you what you think?” And sadly, they said, “No.” So I passionately told them they must think and question, because they would be our future leaders.
To which they replied, “We will?” Sigh.
So I would respond with fire, looking each of them in the eye, and affirming that they indeed would, and most importantly, that the world NEEDED them. I told them it was vital for them to do that because my generation screwed it all up, and we need fresh minds and ideas and hearts.
After that, they couldn’t answer fast enough.
One of the other questions I asked was, “If you could be dropped anywhere in the world…or outer space…where would you go, and why?”
I reveled in their answers – a true window into so many souls who, despite the possible ugliness in their lives, still had dreams and wishes.
I hope my “conversations” helped to give them a moment’s respite from whatever they lived with, and the ability to escape, even briefly, into a place of hope for their future. To feed them and sustain them through “whatever.”
I knew only too well that it was Moments of Respite like this that kept me alive. So, where were the places I would have liked to be? Or still do?
Beautiful Dreamer
In 7th grade, I frustrated the nun who taught us because I was always daydreaming. One day she told me in front of the class that the 1800s composer, Stephen Foster, must have written his song “Beautiful Dreamer” for me, because I was ALWAYS daydreaming.
Looking back, I think “dissociating” is probably a more accurate term. Dreaming of other places, other adventures, ANYTHING else, was my “pressure relief valve” in life.
If I wasn’t imagining being somewhere else, I would instead hyper-focus on something around me…zooming in on an intricate “micro” world that only I noticed.
I analyzed the pathways of the wood grain pattern on my bedroom floor. Rubbed the gritty powdered soap in my grandparents’ bathroom against my skin, noticing how different it was from our slippery smooth bar soap. Or I watched, fascinated, through my diving mask, as odd bits of shells or creatures tumbled by in the quiet world beneath the ocean surf.
Whatever it was, for just a little while, those “Moments of Respite” gave me a much-needed sensory diversion, a moment to catch my breath and let my traumatized body calm down.
The vast and titanic moments
I still indulge myself in Moments of Respite. It’s been very important as a way to balance the stress and pain of writing this memoir. Sometimes I research why a piece of pegmatite rock is so infinitely fascinating with all its various components. Sometimes I investigate how warm a squirrel nest might be in the dead of winter. Sometimes it’s listening to Baroque chamber music, Latin church litanies, or Gregorian chants. And sometimes…I paint. Most especially, I paint the ocean.
Vast and titanic moments
On my wall, I have an excerpt posted, a part of Henry David Thoreau’s book, Walden, entitled “The Wilderness.”
I especially focus on lines like “…we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land & sea be infinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable….we must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic feathers…We need to witness our own limits transgressed…”
Throughout my life, THAT was the emotion that saved me…that there were awesome, powerful forces at work that were beyond me, and that surpassed any limits I could put on them. Those Moments of Respite were about those vast and titanic things…they were my connection with God…they WERE God for me. And they were the reminder in every horrible moment that God WAS still there with me in some way.
Nora
One of my favorite Moments of Respite activities is to oil paint. And to paint places I want to be…or even imaginary worlds I would love to be in.
But for me, if I need to have my limits transgressed, I turn to the most vast, titanic, limit-smashing place on earth – the ocean. And if I were to apply any word to the power of those waves, it would be the Hebrew word, “Nora.” It is a word that is used in ancient biblical times to describe the majestic, fearsome, mighty nature of God.
It is part of a Hebrew prayer phrase, Nora T’hilot or Nora Tehilot, which translates to “Awesome in praises” or “Revered in praise.” The phrase is found in the book of Exodus (15:11 Hebrew Bible), part of the “Song of the Sea,” which was sung by Moses and the Israelites after escaping Egypt and safely crossing the Red Sea.
So, to close out this section of Albedo – the coming of the light of insights- here is Nora – that most awesome force for me on earth. Here are a recent painting and a new one in progress, where I am immersing myself in the awesome glory of the Universe…the Divine…even just sitting in my own home. I just pull out my paints, put on the radio channel with ocean waves, and dive back into that restorative surf through my paintbrush on canvas… and connect… with Nora…
Now…on to Citrinitas – the “learning.”
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Soul Mosaic 
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