A moment before continuing the story, to state the “rules of the road” for this book
Before continuing with posts about my life, I want to share what I think is a vital part of any memoir – stating the rules, goals, and cautions for the book. So this is the first of a 2-part set of posts that will form the introduction to my memoir. That introduction will give all readers clear information about the how and why of my approach.
The “hows and whys” of my writing
Since there are so many good books on how to write a memoir, mine does not and will not be a textbook on all the nuances, methods, and rules.
But the following things jumped out at me as I studied all the different books on the subject. So I wrote myself some clear guidelines:
- Intention – what is in my heart as I write – healing, not revenge or harm
- Purpose – what do I hope to achieve with the book
- Warnings – given the topic, there needs to be “trauma alerts” so no one is triggered or surprised
- Privacy – this is my story and I will exercise care to protect the stories and privacy of others
- The Nature of “Truth” – subjective vs objective – this is from my perspective and understanding
- The Nature of “Memory” – fragmentary when trauma, not a documentary, and not perfect
- Self-Care – I will work with a trauma therapist especially while writing this
About that last point, “self-care,” I do a lot to stay healthy, physically and mentally. Regular checkups and testing, good food, exercise, meditation. In addition, given the nature and intensity of this work, I work with a trauma specialist so I can safely approach the material and process it well. There is no need to do this alone or to set off my emotional triggers.
Two sets of guidelines
To address the rest of the above list, I wrote myself the 2 following sets of guidelines that will be at the front of the book so the reader is clear on my rules, boundaries, and hopes for the book:
- Dedication page–which sets out 4 things I need to do when writing
- Caveats, Cautions, and Purpose page:
- States guidelines and disclaimers I followed when writing
- Provides a caution about the nature of the material so as not to trigger anyone
- Gives the main purpose for writing the book.
So in this Part-I post – I share the “Dedication page.” The Caveats, Cautions, and Purpose will be in the Part-II post.
Dedication page
To start the book, I want to define 4 actions: Discover, Make apologies, Offer thanks, and “Walk with.”
Discover: I discovered that no matter what was done to me, no matter how long it took to escape and the shame I felt about that, or how I still struggle now…and I do, I also THRIVE. It is standing strong amidst the crushing weight of 27 years of sexual assaults, as well as physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, and also giving thanks to that part deep inside each of us that refuses to give up.
Apologies: This book is an apology of sorts, to me…to my inner infant…child…teen…young adult. For a good chunk of my life, I despised those parts of me I saw as weak and stupid…as a victim. But it is now finally in old age, I recognize their tremendous strength and love. To them, I say: It was you who survived hell, chose life, and courageously kept me alive in spite of my self-hate. I am so sorry and I thank you. This book is your long-overdue honoring and my declaration of love for you. After seven decades it is your turn to speak and share your story.
Gratitude: So many people saved my life and continue to do so whether they realize it or not. I did not make it to “thriving” all by myself. Not by a long shot. We need the strength of others — their examples, a friend’s shoulder to lean on, the gift of a smile from a stranger in a coffee shop on a bad day, to keep going. We NEED others, and in my life, there have been many. To all of you who saved me, and you know who you are, I can never thank you enough. I love you all.
“Walk with.” My story is not just for my healing, but also a way to “walk with” another – to witness and acknowledge anyone else’s sense of aloneness and pain. To honor the courage and mighty effort it takes to drag yourself out of bed each morning when your brain is screaming: “What’s the point of my life and who could possibly understand?” This book is my way to recognize the many, many others who walk silently through their own hell.
“Toni Morrison said, ‘The function of freedom is to free someone else,’ and if you are no longer wracked or in bondage to a person or a way of life, tell your story. Risk freeing someone else.”
(Book – Deep Memoir by Jennifer Leigh Selig, PhD pg 39 – from the chapter on Archetype of a Storyteller relating a quote by Anne Lamott in her book – Bird by Bird)
Tags: abuse, Anne Lamott, apologies, Bird by Bird, book review, book-reviews, books, caveats, Courage is Calling, Deep Memoir, dicover, get over it, gratitude, Jennifer Leigh Selig PhD, judging, memoir, memoir writing process, memory, non-fiction, objective vs subjective truth, purpose, rules for writing my memoir, rules of the road, Ryan Holiday, sexual abuse, shame, Toni Morrison, trauma trigger cautions, trauma triggers, truth, walk with another
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