Soul Mosaic

Before I continue, it is time for a periodic update for the sake of new readers as well as current ones.

I want to take a moment to “recap” why I am writing this blog, and why I would like to publish it in some form as a memoir. I have been writing to discover what I didn’t see before, and to build that “crummy first draft.” Then I will revise, and revise, and revise, because my goal is to find an agent and seek publication. So for right now, I am writing, discovering, and sharing.

So often…every morning when I sit down to write…I feel weary. And I feel the heaviness of the pain from the past. Why, then, someone might wonder, am I doing this…re-living past abuse to put it on paper? And what will it give the reader?

First, I’m not a masochist. And this isn’t about just dumping out a laundry list of things done to me. Yes, for one part of this book, I need to do just that – tell what happened. Those are the pieces I have been writing lately.

But I tell them so that this time, I can examine those memories much more closely. Looking with older adult eyes, maybe I can discover what I couldn’t know back then.

For a lifetime, I’ve carried many questions, but it wasn’t the time to stop and find the answers. Life needed me to take care of other things. But now it is time. Those questions are too heavy to carry any longer. And I have finally reached the place in life where I might be able to effectively extract the meaning and lessons. Time grows shorter in my life. And my gut says, “Do it now.”

While I have learned much through very good therapists all my life, it is over these last four years since my mother’s death that I have really delved deeply into unresolved emotions. Only at that point could I finally open the long-locked door of trauma to face what was behind it.

And while I feel weary each morning when I start writing, when I finish each piece, especially some of the really difficult and triggering ones, I feel relief. There is actually this sense of some inner voice saying, “Thank you for telling my story, finally.” There is a deep sense of self-care and relief because, for better or worse, I have released that story from my head and made it real and concrete with words on the page. Whether anyone reads it, or gets it, or cares, I TOLD it. I gave witness to all that my younger self suffered. That alone counts.

The second part – what does this give to my readers – is, in one way, something only they can answer. Each person must make their own journey and find their own meaning. But I will, in the last 2 sections of the book, share the insights that come to me. Those will not be dictates to readers of “You must…this” or “You should…that.” That would be presumptuous and arrogant on my part.

If I share anything with the reader, it would be these things. First, to anyone out there who has been abused…you are not alone. I write to bear witness for all of us who have experienced that. And, you are not garbage. You are worthwhile and deserving of love. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn to love me. But I am getting there. And I deserve it.

Second, I am simply sharing a process. This is the one I need to use, but certainly not the only one. But it is an example of how one person, me, has gone about looking for “self-discovery” to find peace. May each person find their own.

Being a lab person with a dash of artist, I needed to paint and draw to open the door and start the words coming. Then I needed to start writing — the “put-it-on-the-table, cut-it-apart, and look-closely” approach — to see what those things are telling me.

The last 2 sections of the book will be the “what-does-it-all-mean” and “what now?” parts.

To that end, I will share what I see as this book’s structure as it has evolved so far. It may change, but as I write, it becomes clearer. To all of you, I deeply appreciate your reading any of my pieces and walking this journey with me. I send love to all of you.

So, here is how I expect this book to unfold:

• The first section was: “Packing for the Journey” – set in 2025. Those are pieces I started posting here in early June. They explain how I approach things and why.
• The second section was: “The End of an Era” – set in 2021-2024. Those, too, are earlier in this blog. They are a series of essays about Mom and Dad’s deaths, and the emotional aftermath that triggered me to dig deeper and open those long-closed emotional doors.
• The entries I am writing now make up the third section — “Return to the Old Country,” set in 1955 through 2021. And that name comes from a comment my Slovak grandmother made one time – a tip of the hat to her. This section is the largest, and especially the childhood part. That was the foundation of all that happened and formed me. But it will also include the journey to despair and crisis; escape, being suicidal, and the journey to recovery. It will share mistakes, love, and then being the warrior against my father in adulthood. And lastly, the crises from mid-life, mortality, and where I landed when Mom died.
• The fourth section will be: “Journey to the Underworld” – 2021-2025, about the EMDR work, pain release, and the insights that have been emerging.
• The fifth section — “The Return” – 2025 – forward – Will be the “where have I landed at the end of writing this, and where do I think I will go next. Because I have always viewed my life as “It ain’t over, ‘til it’s over.”
• CODA – My husband, who is also a writer, will do this part – his reflections on our relationship, our journey through life, and what he has seen.
• Appendix – maps, books/references, resources

So, more to come. Thank you all.

Tags: book review, books, fiction, memoir, writing

This entry was posted on October 14, 2025 at 4:52 pm and is filed under Memoir - sexual abuse trauma recovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.