In the previous post, I described my process to use “order” in this last section of the book to reach all the meaning and insights.
I showed this image of a bed covered with folders and notes, which I described as “all my clues” to who I am, at heart, and who I am becoming. That bed, with all those items, is my “power base” for healing.
But it was my husband who REALLY nailed a symbolism that I totally missed.
He looked at that picture and, without missing a beat, said to me, “That is a really powerful symbol of what you are doing.”
I asked him what he meant, and he continued:
“Your abuse happened on a bed. It was HIS domain all those years…..”
Immediately, I flashed back to so many memories of him trapping me in a bed, forcing me to submit….
“But now, you have all these folders, bits of the story on a BED. It is a bed you are using to make sense of it all….You are using a bed and taking it back from him, to make it YOUR OWN.”
His words sent chills through me. I went back into that spare bedroom and took in the whole view. He was right. Without consciously intending it, I was redeeming that space for my own benefit. I was taking the power back from my father by refusing to be silent. And my platform for this process was… a bed.
To be clear, one safety boundary for my own peace of mind, a way to keep the joy of my present life from being affected by what he did to me, is that I work in the spare bedroom. I do NOT work on this out in the main area of the house — my present-life area — and NEVER does this come into my present-day bedroom that I share with my husband. That space is sacred. No “ghosts or demons” allowed there.
Yes, I am “integrating” and reuniting all my pieces into a healing “wholeness.” And I no longer disparage my past self. But I am clear that HIS energy – that abusive energy of my father – stays in its proper place and can no longer harm me in the present. It is a very careful line for my own mental health, and the proper honoring of all in my present life that I have spent a lifetime building. And of my husband and son. My father’s ghost is not allowed to touch them.
But I was truly grateful to my husband, who so often sees flashes of meaning and insight that I miss, for pointing out that powerful symbol of me retaking my life by retaking the bed from my father.
So, now, it is time to go into this new section of the book and move forward through those years of deep emotional therapy and discovery.
As I embark on this last section, as I remember that image of him dominating me in a bed decades ago, I send this thought out to all. Propped up on today’s bed with all my notes, right near my writing desk, is this piece of artwork I found online a year or so ago. And it says EXACTLY who I am becoming now in life: The Phoenix out of the ashes.
As the prior part of this book — The Old Country — was the story of my life, all that was done to me, and my struggles to come back, this next part — The Undiscovered Country — will lead to rebirth.
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Tags: healing, life, love, mental-health, writing
Soul Mosaic 
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