Our son has an embroidery hobby — a particular variant of fine lace embroidery — that uses wooden spindles and thin colored threads. His pieces are intricate, beautiful creations.
One day, while watching his process and examining the final piece, I thought about its resemblance to the journey I’ve been on.
This blog started with the dark, early posts where I was choking on floods of unidentified emotions that I knew I had to face. But first I would need to untangle a mess of knotted threads and examine each one. So those days were the impending storm.
Much of the blog over the last year and a half was about sorting through confusion. What happened? Why? What did it do to me…and others? How to find my way back?
It was a long, long journey of trying to put pieces together into something that made sense.
Finally, there has been a great “assembling.” It has been taking the strands of information and insights and building a coherent “whole.” A piece that has clarity, understanding, meaning…peace.
While I will never get to the completed piece — no one ever does — still, there is beauty and order emerging in my new creation. Finally, there is love…and boundaries.”
I am internalizing and believing things that I’ve never embraced before, things like:
- I am enough
- I am beautiful as I am
- I am worthy
- My opinion is enough, and I don’t need outside approval
- Every one of these was ALWAYS true
And statements of boundaries that I am entitled to have:
- It is okay to say no
- It is okay if others get angry
- No one needs to agree with me
- I have a right to my own feelings and thoughts
- I am not responsible for others, nor is it my job to fix them, fill their needs, or ensure their happiness
- No one has a right to harm me
It is also long past time for me to reach out to that so maligned teen and young adult part of me that I hated, blamed, and shamed for years.
I reach out now with sorrow for the pain I caused her, and with honor for her courage, determination, and tenacity. She kept me alive and going. I am here now because she never gave up. So I reach out, offering gentle amends and a wish to reunite in wholeness and love.
Now what
I am now at a major turning point in these posts. This one will close out the “yellow” Citrinitas — learning — section.
So far through these posts, I have told the story of my life and what I lived through. Then I descended into the dark underworld of the Nigredo portion to experience the chaos of raw, unexplored emotions and confusion.
I have journeyed through the Albedo world where some hints of light and insight and light began to creep in. From there, it has been this section of digging deep for the meat of information I never had before, information I desperately craved to process my life experiences and understand them.
Now it is time to enter the Rubedo section — the land of “Red.” The land of power, action, standing tall. These upcoming posts will be my present-day awareness on many fronts, and will set up the Epilogue section of “What Next?”
The final part will be the “Coda” – thoughts from my husband on walking through this life with me, why we came together, and how we’ve stayed together.
Up Next
The Rubedo phase of life. It will take me a few days before these start, as I need to regroup and go through my notes for this section. Stay tuned.
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and make a visit to my home state for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
Tags: family, life, love, mental-health, writing
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