“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” – Michel de Montaigne
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
“Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax.” Anon
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
“There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections”.
Ziad K. Abdelnour
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
“Even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.” – Stephen Chbosky
Brene Brown
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
“You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to take a break.” Anon
“It’s not your job to be everything to everyone.” Anon
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
In taking a break from my writing, I sometimes find that the subconscious has other ideas and instead presents something for me to “chew on” and then write about. And what it presented is exactly the mind frame I will be using as I move into the part of this memoir I call “Descent into Hell.”
But I also realize that this post may apply to life in general. So, on this Christmas day, I share the gift I received from my subconscious:
How and why
do I get up every day,
when I want to stay under the covers
so I can avoid the heaviness of the writing yet before me?
Yet I still get up
and write the next piece of my life,
even the ugly, shameful, not-so-together parts.
Why?*
And why, when the day is done, do I feel
even a slight bit better,
satisfied,
more peaceful,
sometimes even transformed?
And despite the struggle,
always feeling grateful for the process?
In a word,
despair.
I have been reading a book, A Midwinter God: Encountering the Divine in Seasons of Darkness, by Christine Valters Paintner. In the chapter on “Grief as Holy Path,” I read:
“I have come to recognize and honor a deep despair that resides in the shadow part of myself, the shadow being, of course, those things about ourselves we don’t want to embrace. And yet the journey toward our own wholeness is precisely about naming our shadows, welcoming them into the inner rooms of our being, and listening for what they have to say to us…I have found that resisting despair only magnifies the weight of it.”
The author goes on to say that she fears “that others will try to step in to offer me hope as an antidote. I have an ambivalent relationship to the word hope–too often I think we use that term as a way of trying to circumvent the necessary process of facing our own dark emotions.”
She observes that our culture is so quick to tell us to move on, get over it, or do anything to avoid facing the pain. Yet there is a cost to that, a harm done to someone when we ask that of them:
“We do violence to others by trying to move them to a place where we feel much more comfortable.”
Instead, she recommends a different path.
“The heart is meant to be vulnerable, malleable, broken open by love…Our sorrow is so uncomfortable, we want to transform it as quickly as we can into joy….to return to how we were before the ground beneath us opened up. But transformation comes only in our presence to what we are feeling and to express our emotions, to let the wild river flow freely. This is the gateway to transformation.”
I felt such relief and appreciation when I read her words. So often in my life, I have heard the exhortation of others to move on, to get over it, or to “not dwell on those things.” And those words would feel like another knife jab into the wounds already there.
At this stage in my life, I finally understood I needed to face things, write them, feel ALL of the emotions, and see what wisdom they had for me.
But the dilemma was how to deal with the pain and heaviness in going through that process. How to face it each day?
One day, I wrote a line on a note card: Start each day with a prayer?
But what prayer?
I remembered the words of that nun who taught the effective living seminar so many years ago at the Cenacle retreats. She talked of speaking to yourself through affirmations. That if you wanted to achieve something, heal something, then write a statement about it, and repeat it over and over to fuel you and move you forward.
I felt I was onto something with that.
But, again. What affirmation?
The answer came out of my morning meditations, and how they evolved over the course of these months. They presented me with the word “despair” as my answer. And from that word, the prayer eventually evolved.
From my current journal:
Accepting despair
welcoming it in your life
agreeing to walk in its world.
That has been anathema in our culture.
We are to deny it is there,
refuse it a space at our table,
pretend that if we just slap a smile on our face,
everything is fine.
Yet it’s not.
At some point, you need to just call it like it is.
No running.
No “cheering it up.”
No putting lipstick on a pig.
Just say it as it is,
make that clear, unwavering statement of
What do I feel?
Really.
So it started as:
“I am angry, afraid, impatient, and ashamed.”
That was the truth,
and there was almost a relief in admitting that.
No cheeriness enforced by a world that won’t look at shadows.
But it wasn’t enough to just state what it is.
If I repeated that every morning,
that’s all my reality would be.
No, there had to be something more to it.
It wasn’t enough to state just “What is.”
I needed an affirmation of
“In addition to what is, what else can be?”
That’s when two words came to me:
“Even though.”
Even though,
acknowledges what is, and doesn’t deny you the
right and time to process your pain.
But it does also create a bridge to something else, too.
So I started again and wrote:
“Even though I feel
fear and anger,
fatigue, impatience,
despair and shame,”
That was accurate.
Felt better.
Because it allowed for more than what currently is.
It also gave me permission to look for,
and feel I deserve,
something more.
Something like, “What else can I have…what else do I want?”
So I thought,
what feels possible,
desired,
reachable.
What else would I let me have… if I could?
What would that look like, with
no promises.
No false hopes.
No Pollyanna sunshine or sickening sweetness.
Just….
What would I like to be?
Even if I never quite get there.
So I wrote again:
“I am healing and loving.
relaxed and hopeful,
patient and kind.”
And suddenly,
I felt….good.
Hopeful.
Possible.
These were the gifts I would give to myself,
and they might be possible,
even just a little bit.
So, “even though” I felt one set of things
and it was a relief to embrace them
as part of me without putting me down for it,
I was also no longer denying myself
the chance to have something else, too.
I was accepting despair yet not refusing hope.
Even small shifts each day over a lifetime
is enough,
and makes my life
valuable
beautiful
peaceful.
Enough to make it worth my while to get out of bed,
face the day,
write my truth,
and celebrate ALL my emotions.
So now I have my affirmation for each day…my “what is, AND what do I want” statement. And whether it is for writing this book, altering some habit I don’t like, or tackling a new challenge, this statement fits me for all seasons.
And I have “despair” to thank…Despair, which may be just another word for “surrender,” a surrender to one’s truth, which then makes room, also, for one’s possibilities.
Regardless of your belief system, religion, or lack of, as a writer, I have ALWAYS loved the poetic, melodic, soothing strains of these lines from the St.James Bible for the Christmas holiday.
No matter what I believe or will in the future, the sense that there is goodness and goodwill to me from a force bigger than me, always comforts me:
8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”
Rumi
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My “gift posts”
While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.
When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.
In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:
This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.
The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.
It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.
So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.
While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.
And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.
Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.
It is the season for a “time-out” moment to catch my breath over the next week. I have been hard at work on this project since June and have a ways to go. I am relieved and satisfied for the work I’ve been able to do so far, and am focused on continuing this path soon. But I will also admit to being somewhat drained. So a week to regroup is in order.
Even so, I will still be putting in “writing time” each day, just not things ready to post yet. This next phase I will be writing about was a time of descent into despair, then working my way back, all while spinning in a vortex of messy changes that came fast and furious. So, before I will be ready to post those pieces, I need some time to reflect and plan out those drafts.
For this moment, I want to say I feel deep gratitude for the work. It has brought me back to parts of myself I had rejected and hated for a lifetime. It has altered my perspective about who I was as that younger person, and restored my love for my younger self, something that had been impossible my whole life.
I am also grateful to those who follow my process. I thank you for sharing the path with me and appreciate your company and support.
Gift Posts
As I did at Thanksgiving, I will be providing daily “Gift posts” over the next week. Quotes I have found soothing, honest, comforting. But I have tried to choose carefully as well.
The holidays can be a difficult time for people, even when surrounded by joy, loved ones, and good moments.
I have lived through years where I reveled in the spirit of the season, and other years where I couldn’t wait to be on the other side of the holidays. The songs, the frenzied activities, all of it was sometimes too much, especially in painful years.
So I have tried to pick the quotes carefully. Hopefully, I have avoided anything trite and instead shared ones with a sense of peace, no matter what the year is like. They are my gift to all of you.
I will resume the regular posts after Christmas. By then, I know the Universe will have given me a clear idea of how to navigate those pieces. And I will be somewhat restored.
In the meantime, much love and peace to you all, no matter what holiday you celebrate, or don’t.
Soul Mosaic 