In the previous post, I described my process to use “order” in this last section of the book to reach all the meaning and insights.
I showed this image of a bed covered with folders and notes, which I described as “all my clues” to who I am, at heart, and who I am becoming. That bed, with all those items, is my “power base” for healing.
But it was my husband who REALLY nailed a symbolism that I totally missed.
(more…)I’ve been quiet the last few days with no new posts. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of “incubation” and “percolation” going on. What was born of all that work is a possible path now through this last section of the book-writing.
Yesterday, I listened to a podcast by writer Ryan Holiday. His focus, both in his books and speeches, is on the philosophy of Stoicism. I’ll speak more of that later, but for now, its basic premises involve being aware of your mortality, not wasting precious time, and focusing on what is in your power to control while letting go of things that aren’t. But it was one thing he said in the podcast that nailed where I am at in my writing process right now.
This last phase of my book feels like a chaos. There are so many threads that my life story has raised, and now I need to draw them together into meaningful insights and answers. But looking at the piles of paintings and folders scattered before me in this picture, I just wondered — where do I start? How do I do this well…logically…and give my readers meaning?
NOTE: All photos below are by the author
Holiday, in his podcast, talked about the need to have an orderly workspace. Because if you can organize your workspace and materials, then you are free to dive into the chaos that is the actual work. Order is what makes being in chaos possible. It sounds counterintuitive, but it made total sense to me.
The piles on the bed in my workroom are the chaos I’ve always felt in my life. They are the reason I needed to write, the clues to solve the mystery that is me: How to understand my life, and answer questions like, “How did I survive, why, and what does it all mean?” So I know that my ultimate truths and peace are in those folders. But HOW to access that?
(more…)I noted yesterday that en route to my ritual bath session, tons of thoughts were flooding my brain. Lofty, cerebral things like discernment, reflection, love, and the power of the “Divine feminine,” all things suitable for the impending spiritual moments with God. And others – the scars I have never been able to shake, like fear, anxiety, grief, and rage. And of those, lately, mostly primal rage.
In my search for the “existential meaning” of my life, as well as just plain understanding why the hell I’ve been feeling this way, I’ve been reading a lot of spiritual and mythology books. So their images, themes, and characters are blended in with all of the above thoughts.
Themes of darkness — places like walking through the underworld, sitting in caves of transformation, living in the Dark Night of the Soul — felt like home to me. These were all connected to a search for purpose and rebirth, a withdrawal from the regular world where one could take stock in peace. And of late, that’s just where I wanted to be, in a dark cave peering out at the world, but left alone.
I have felt just like the main characters of those stories and have preferred their company. Old crones, the ones who might eat you, slice you with their sword, or save you, depending on their mood and your attitude.
(more…)I went to the Mikveh today, my recommitting to this writing project before beginning this last phase. So many things floated through my head as I drove there. Topics to cover. Trigger words. Questions. Intense emotions, especially lately, anger.
But I put all that aside for this afternoon and just went, knowing “something” would come clear. An answer of some kind would present itself.
Whether anyone else understands this kind of thing doesn’t matter. I am a person of ritual, and for me, just the act of “honoring and centering” somehow resets my psyche and my heart. For another, it might be incense and candles, music, whatever. Today, for me, it was the Mikveh pool.
As I sank below the water’s surface, I spoke the one-word prayer I carried there: Hineini...Here I am, Lord. I was opening myself up to the power of something beyond me, even as that is a scary thing. It’s that whole “Be-careful-what-you-ask-for” thing, because you just might get it. If you give God an invitation for an inch, would He or She want a mile?
(more…)Yesterday’s post compared this part of the work to performing an autopsy and writing the final report. But while it “can work,” it didn’t feel quite right. While it is a logical metaphor given my science background, it is too “left-brained, cerebral. What is really needed is a much more emotional and soulful one.
Instead, I keep coming back to this part of the book being the Midrash. The “extra part” that adds the soulful pieces that the story couldn’t tell.
It’s funny, but as I was sensing these things, my husband came to me and questioned the autopsy metaphor, too. He correctly pointed out that I am not dead, not by a long shot, nor is my story done. “You are a survivor,” he said, like a person who was in a symbolic “plane crash.” “And out of the rubble, smoke, debris, and bodies, somehow you walked out of that carnage toward the helpers and are still embracing life.”
(more…)At the beginning of this memoir, I wrote about the nature of my “journey” and the tools I would need. That first part – The Old Country, the story of my life experiences – was one of exploration…going back. Observing. I needed things from that past, as well as my paintings and journals. I described the process as a lab experiment, which included gathering the supplies, then running the experiment. That part was my revisiting the past to see what was there.
The Undiscovered Country is that part of the experimental process that generates the final lab report and gets at “What did I learn” and possibly, “What have I missed?” It involves assessing, analyzing, and questioning. It often requires some extra research to help with drawing my conclusions.
So, the bed full of folders, books, paintings, journals, and research, and the binders holding the entries for the story of my life, is my overwhelming pile of experimental data. Now, somehow, I have to bring order to it, make sense of it all, and see what it tells me.
I think of this part of the Undiscovered Country as a journey through the Underworld. I have to go where I have not yet been and be willing to stay in the discomfort of not knowing what I will find.
In a way, it is an autopsy. All of the data are the “body to be examined.”
To do an autopsy, first you need a logical, ordered, step-by-step procedure. Here, my procedure is mapped on a chart – my mind map. It lists all those topics laid out on the bed that I need to address, the order in which I will tackle each, and extra notes and reminders for the important points along the way.
Another requirement is autopsy tools. My “scalpels and probes” will include:
And the last step requires time: To reflect, to decide, and to write up the results.
The things I write will be that “midrash” – the parts missing from the story itself that add clarity and reveal things not seen before.
So, next up…WHY do it this way?
Before starting this new phase of writing, I did what I did before I started writing this book – I sought God. Some may think it’s strange. That’s okay. It is my way of preparing for and honoring a serious work.
Rituals have power for me. They are a way to clarify my mind. Ask for help. And cement my commitment. Especially for a task I feel inadequate for, and am intimidated by.
For me, a particularly meaningful ritual is to visit the nearby synagogue’s mikveh. It is a pool of natural water that you immerse in while saying prayers, or just talking with God. I do this in moments of significant events or transitions, moments of grief or healing, or, in this case, new challenges.
As I enter the water and sink below the surface, I hold one prayer in my mind — just a one-word prayer in Hebrew: Hineini. In English, it means “Here I am, God.”
I cannot think of a more powerful prayer than to say – I am here, and I will do what you wish. It is total submission to the Universe…to the will of a Higher Power. It is surrendering this work for whatever God wants it to be. And it is my acknowledgement that I cannot do this alone. I am simply the tool. So, God, speak, and I will write.
There is freedom that comes as I float in that pool. Stress eases. And as I step out, I feel like that old self is shed, and I am ready to go forward.
So as I begin this new section…Hineini.
Note:
I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.
Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.
“…there is no security in not knowing things, in avoiding the ugliest truths because they can’t be faced. There is only an oppressive, creeping dread that the thing no one has told you is too terrible to imagine, and that it will haunt the rest of your life when you find out.”
― Natalie Haynes, The Children of Jocasta
Looking at that quote, I totally agree with the first sentence.
As to the rest, the only thing that will haunt me is NOT knowing. THAT is too terrible to imagine. Instead, whatever I learn will set me free.
Finally – the book arrives at its destination: The Undiscovered Country…the “bottom line.” I could call it a journey through the underworld, a soul journey, whatever, but the bottom line is that it is a whole new place that I have not yet explored, and my heart has made it clear — it is time.
Shakespeare referred to the Undiscovered Country in his play, “Hamlet.” Books carry that title. Even Star Trek used it for a movie.
Where Shakespeare’s Hamlet spoke of it in terms of what comes after death, and some books use it to refer to past civilizations, in Star Trek, they were toasting the future.
For me, it is the past brought forward into the present to change my future…and maybe someone else’s.
With such a weighty mission, the entries for this last section will be slower in coming. I need to think, dream, chew on things. This last part of the book will be wrestling with file folders full of questions scribbled on strips of paper from thoughts catalyzed during the writing process. So, I need to sit with each one and “listen” to what it is telling or asking me.
(more…)It’s been said you die as you lived, and maybe that’s true, up to a point. I think it was for him. But sometimes, maybe, as you die, you finally reclaim your power…
She had been waiting to die since Dad had passed away. Yet she made her way longer…almost 9 years long. And over those years, she evolved. And became her own person even as she slowly declined.
She did surprise me with how she created her own life and routines when he wasn’t there to push her around anymore. And she didn’t fold. Maybe she just finally picked up where she had left off before she married him.
While there had been painful years of that frozen detente between us, those last 2 years as she grew closer to death were the best we’d ever had. And it was in her death process that maybe we reached some connection. At the very least, for me, being there with her through her death was a gift.
There is a sadness, though, too, an ache for me that has always been there, and will now remain forever – her “absence.” Time has run out now to ever know that mother’s unconditional love. And trapped within her battered psyche were the answers to questions I was never allowed to ask, and that she would never answer.
(more…)
Photo from author
Here is the post that I started the memoir with, for those who did not see it. Mom’s death was not easy…for any of us. But to me, it was a gift and an honor to be there with her. So I share that post here.
Soul Mosaic 