Soul Mosaic

Call me Deb

I am Deb Bailey, Debra A. Bailey if we were being formal, but…I am not a formal person. So call me Deb.

My many hats

I have worn many hats in life – writer, artist, lexicographer, scientist, book lover, ethicist, mother, teacher, wife…woman.

During the first 30 years of my career, I worked in medical laboratories, AIDS and pharmaceutical research, and then medical ethics, protecting people participating in clinical research studies. These were all areas I was honored to participate in.

The second half of my career was a gift of another sort. After my husband almost died unexpectedly, I needed and wanted a new path. And the universe delivered.

It gave me the opportunity to spend the next 15 years of my life reveling in a totally new career: Exciting students and the public about the wonderful and weird world of science at the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences in Raleigh, NC. While everything I did in life mattered to me, this job gave me the chance to make a difference in someone’s life in a whole new way.

By returning to my own childhood roots – having FUN with science and making it PLAY — I could reach kids and adults… mentor and encourage them to believe in themselves and their possibilities. I didn’t even care if they hated science as long as they loved something. I was there for “tikkun olam” – to heal the world…which meant I was there for any kid or adult who wanted to be heard.

The Survivor

But I also had another role life gave me…a survivor…which was the biggest reason I cared so much about reaching those kids. I had needed someone like my adult self so long ago, and no one was there…until a tremendous teacher in high school gave me hope and inspiration…and the idea that maybe I could keep going and become something in life. So, now, everything I do is to pay it forward for the gift she gave me.

I grew up in a household where I was brainwashed and frightened right from the beginning to believe that the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured was “normal love” and “helped the family stay together.” I was trained to be loyal, not believe my own perceptions, and accept that I was responsible for the family’s needs, and especially for my father’s needs. And I did that for 28 years.

By then, I was broken, despairing, and felt like an aberration of nature. I had no idea I wasn’t alone in what had happened to me or that there was a name for it…incest. By then, I just wanted to get out, figuring that if I could live the rest of my life quietly, that would be good enough.

The Thriver

It is over 40 years later. I’ve managed to have so much more than just “good enough,” for which I am grateful. Skillful therapists helped me find my way to health. I married my best friend, who has been my soulmate throughout life and my partner in healing, and we have a son who is a kind, caring man. There have been fulfilling jobs and my writing and painting. So, in many ways, I thrive.

I also live with anxiety, body memories, flashbacks, and nightmares —- aka PTSD. There are permanent scars. Yet, I thrive. I may be broken, but I am still a thriving and valuable human being.

Why the memoir?

I started this blog in 2008, using the mosaic metaphor. My early posts covered a wide range of topics, as I’ve always been a person of many interests. And all those interests were the “bits” that, combined, made me who I was. But during my busy museum years I had to pause this blog.

Now, however, it is time to return. I retired from the Museum, and I realized that part of my healing process from the abuse required that I write to piece my life back together — a new twist on the mosaic theme. This time, though, I am the mosaic being built. All of my broken pieces, through these blog posts, are being pieced back together. My memories, my pain, my quest for wholeness and answers to questions I have held inside for a lifetime. It is finally time for the “past” to claim its voice.

Also, more recently, I realized, and my mentors pointed out, that many others share these same struggles. They encouraged me to write. For a variety of reasons, I had been hesitant. But I knew the time had come to stop running from my past and instead turn around and face it, find answers to my questions, and shed the shame I have carried for a lifetime. And maybe even help others to know that they, too, are valuable, precious human beings.

So, this blog is the first draft of an eventual memoir I hope to publish. The reason for this book is not just to tell what happened, but to share how I made it out of that household, how, despite everything that happened there, I came to learn and believe that I was, and am, a valuable human being. That is no small accomplishment, given my background. And believe me, it has taken a lifetime to get to this point. But better late than never. And what I want to give to others is a story of hope despite trauma.

It takes a book

Regarding questions to answer? There are many, but the two biggest ones I am asked by others are:

“How did you survive?” And, “Why did you stay so long?”

And there was a third one that I “bludgeoned” myself with for years: “How could I have been so stupid as to believe him?”

I realize now that the third one is nothing more than self-hate talking. It’s undeserved but not unexpected, given the duration, intensity, and frequency of my abuse. And again, many others share that same self-loathing.

But to properly answer all the questions, I simply say: “It takes a book.” Hence, this memoir was born.

Inviting all

It is not just for me but for anyone looking to find their own answers and to know they are not alone. So, to all who are here, thank you for joining me, and I welcome you.

If you can help….

I am seeking financial support to complete my memoir, work with an editor, and return home for fact-checking. Your help would mean the world to me as I take this step toward healing and giving voice to my journey.

Please like, comment, and share this post to help spread the word. The link for my fundraiser is on GoFundMe. Thank you for your support.