Soul Mosaic

Maybe it was my herb garden experience, but I somehow sensed I needed to broaden my life…scatter more seeds. Maybe with the more new endeavors I tried, and the more seeds of hope I planted, the right path would come clear to me yet.

No clear path

Recovered from my surgery, I was back into the grind of work and home. The temporary reprieve had given me time to look at my life as a whole. There were so many conflicting emotions, but no answers. Life was a mixed bag of struggles interspersed with searches for new ways to find peace. So often, it just seemed like a long, bleak road through a swamp, with no indication that there was ever an end to it, though every once in a while, the sun would shine through.

As to solutions, most of my thoughts about how to fix things were so “outer-focused.” I was looking for someone to rescue me – a boyfriend. God. Anybody. Those would alternate with times of hope where I would try new things, find simple joys in the moment, and learn more about who I was and what I wanted. Then I would dissolve into despair again.

Who Was I?

The spring of 1978 saw a shift for me. Having left the job at the UCONN Health Center for the one in Torrington, I had, if not decreased my stress, at least “changed it.”

I was free of commuting with my father. That in itself was a relief. And the environment at the community hospital was much different from the high-paced research environment at UCONN. Even though I worked in the microbiology department at the hospital lab, I had much more contact with staff from all the different lab sections — hematology, chemistry, blood bank, etc. It was like one large unified section – the lab – versus individual isolated “kingdoms.” And the staff interactions were more collaborative and friendly. So there were those improvements.

But there is an old saying – “No matter where you go, there you are.” And the question was – who did I bring with me into that lab? Where had life left me after the last several years of intense driving toward my degree?

Seeds of answers

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I have spent the last several days deeply reading my journals from those early years. So many revelations, as well as seeds of answers. So, I will share some journal quotes to show a bit of who I was in my 20s, and then add some insights I gleaned.

What you never see

One of the reasons I never looked back before was the high level of shame I felt at still living in that abusive home until 28, AND thinking it was a generally loving, if imperfect home.

But when you don’t even realize it’s wrong, you don’t know you have to fight back. And the reality was, my home world wasn’t just “imperfect,” it was REALLY wrong. But at that point, I was totally unaware of the truth. Why? What was missing that I could not see the obvious?