Posts Tagged ‘life’

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Today’s Holiday Gift Post

December 25, 2025
Photo by author

Today’s Gift Quote:

“You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to take a break.” Anon

“It’s not your job to be everything to everyone.” Anon

My “gift posts”

While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.

When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.

In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:

This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.

The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.

It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.

So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.

While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.

And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.

Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.

With love

Deb

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Today’s Holiday Gift Post

December 24, 2025
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Today’s Gift Quote:

Regardless of your belief system, religion, or lack of, as a writer, I have ALWAYS loved the poetic, melodic, soothing strains of these lines from the St.James Bible for the Christmas holiday.

No matter what I believe or will in the future, the sense that there is goodness and goodwill to me from a force bigger than me, always comforts me:

Luke 2:8-14

King James Version

8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

My “gift posts”

While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.

When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.

In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:

This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.

The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.

It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.

So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.

While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.

And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.

Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.

With love

Deb

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Today’s Holiday Gift Post

December 23, 2025
Photo by author

Today’s Gift Quote:

“Talk to yourself like someone you love.”

Brene Brown

My “gift posts”

While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.

When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.

In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:

This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.

The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.

It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.

So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.

While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.

And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.

Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.

With love

Deb

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Today’s Holiday Gift Post

December 19, 2025
Photo by author

Today’s Gift Quote:

“Normal is a setting on the washing machine.” – Unknown

My “gift posts”

While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.

When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.

In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:

This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.

The posts here tell the story of the pain I’ve carried because my life was not whole.

It wasn’t whole because I’ve had so many questions and no answers. All I’ve had was the confusion of a lifetime, because so much of my life was in broken fragments I could not make sense of.

So this blog, which I hope to form into a memoir for publication, is my journey to find answers. It is my way to piece the fragments back together, see the whole picture, and find the understanding that brings healing.

While I write for myself, I am also writing to give to anyone else who wants it, an example of this kind of journey. It is not the only way, but it is my way.

And I write to bear witness to the pain of so many others harmed by abuse of any kind, especially for those who can’t tell their story…or those who didn’t live to tell their story.

Lastly, I offer it all here in the hope that it helps another not to feel alone as they do their own life’s work.

With love

Deb

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1982 – The “Turning Point,” The Avalanche Begins

December 16, 2025

The new place

7/16/82

“As you can see, I’ve been remiss in my journal writing – 21 months. That last retreat (Nov 80) really did me in, and I just wanted to tune it all out for a long time. But since then I finally got up the guts to go to another retreat…a FEW of them actually. One-day retreats at a new place — The Cenacle in Middletown…”

Looking back, what a difference a place makes…though, maybe it was a difference in the person going to the new place that mattered, too? At the very least, the fact that I sought out a new retreat center in spite of how the previous one triggered me, implies that I was willing to trying again…fertile soil just waiting for the right seeds to be planted?

Either way…this became the turning point of my life. More on this, shortly…

(more…)

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Unearthing Me

December 2, 2025

The questions

In rewinding the yo-yo of my life in the Spring of 1978, I started the new lab job at the hospital in my hometown. It was the beginning of the last phase of being trapped in that house, even as it would take me until 1983 to get out finally.

The questions in my mind as I thought back to those years were:

  • What was happening over those 5 years?
  • How did I get out?
  • Why did it take me so long?
  • Was I suddenly “a healed, complete” adult when I got out?

From my writing class at the Farmington High School and the journal training from my high school English teacher, Terry Doyle, I figured out two things: 1. Writing had power. And 2. Journaling was the tool.

“That” journal

So for whatever reason, in spite of my depression and lethargy then, I started a journal. This one covered the years of 1979-1983. Not every day, and at one point, there was even a gap of two years. But still, it was an unexpected treasure.

Until these last couple of weeks, I had not read those journal entries since I wrote them all those years ago. Being impatient and wanting to get on with my writing, I started flipping through pages to see if I could get a quick feel for what I needed. But it just as quickly became clear, that approach wouldn’t work.

A lot happened in my life, in me, from 1979-1983. If I were to get useful answers, I needed to relive those years. That meant reading ALL the entries. I will confess it was overwhelming. The amount of depression and pain. The loneliness and despair. The things that went on. The “data” was all there, but what was it telling me?

(more…)

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Addendum to “My God, My God…”

November 29, 2025
Painting by author

My husband’s question

The previous entry was one of the very hardest to write so far. Every fiber in me just wanted to beg off writing it. I could barely force me to the keyboard, and I felt such a heavy load of pure exhaustion.

My husband asked me, “Was the desire to avoid writing because I was afraid to show my shame publicly to my readers?”

I thought that was a good question, so I wanted to answer it here.

My mentor’s question

In reality, at my current age, I don’t really care if I share my moments of shame publicly anymore. What is the worst anyone can do to me? Think poorly of me?

And do I think I am the only person who has ever failed to live up to their ideals and ethics at some moment of their life? As a mentor once said to me:

“Did you expect to be perfect?”

If anyone thinks that this story is of me being the totally strong, ever pushing hard forward hero, who never slipped and fell or erred in choices, they will be disappointed. There are more shames to come, more poor choices. I was not perfect. I can simply say I did the best I could at any point, even in my mistakes. Sometimes our best is wonderful, and sometimes our best is flat-out poor. But I tried. And when I failed, well, in writing what it was like then, I can now see I was simply human, pushed too far.

(more…)

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A week break to celebrate life in the present moment, and my “Gift Posts” for the next several days.

November 17, 2025

A celebration of life in the present

I have been sharing many deep and painful things. And it is helpful for me to speak openly and feel “worthy.” But I also do this process while staying grounded in the present and celebrating life’s current gifts.

A current gift is that this month is my 70th birthday. I will be taking the coming week off to share time with my family and savor the joys of each other’s company. AND celebrate that I have my wonderful family.

As important as this writing process is, it needs to be paced well for my health, and it needs to be connected to the joy of my present life, filled with love.

My “gift posts”

While I am away from my desk, I will leave “daily gift posts” for all.

The gift post will include this post’s text (for context to anyone new). But at the top of each new day’s post will also be a quote — one of the many I keep handy to feed my soul as I write. That will be my gift to all while I am celebrating.

The painting is also part of the gift posts. While I worked at the museum, there was a small puffer fish in one of the aquariums. When I needed a moment’s break from things, I would stand by the tank. The puffer fish would always come right up to the window and hover there. I don’t know what it was thinking, but I hope it was happy. He seemed to linger longest whenever there was a group of happy children waving at him. So one day I took his picture and painted him. So, as part of this gift, I leave you with the puffer fish.

When I return, I will resume my memoir posts.

Painting by author

In the meantime, a reminder of the purpose of this blog:

This blog is my way of honoring what I lived through and had to do to reach “today” in as healthy a way as possible.

(more…)

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“Normal”…

November 11, 2025

Waiting for him…

I was waiting for Dad to pick me up from my dorm at the main UCONN campus at Storrs. My stomach was tight, knowing that, as always, I had to go home for the weekend and back into that atmosphere.

This was my third year of college, the one I got to live on campus, like a REAL college student. It was early in the fall semester, but I was already loving it. I was rooming with a friend from high school and the branch. Her father had set our room up with bunk beds, and we had a good arrangement.

Photo by author

Also, I reveled in being surrounded by the other students, having real connections with the other girls in the dorm, and making friends. There were all different personalities and attitudes, but I was learning how to “work and play well” with them all. They even seemed to enjoy me, and one of my late-night study companions in the dining room would leave me funny notes when I fell asleep over homework. It was all so NORMAL…

Even the campus grounds were a pure joy to be in. A campus the size of a small town. Leaf-strewn walkways, farm land across from my dorm, even a campus dairy with fresh ice cream. Being on campus made home recede into a background a million miles away, and let me lock that reality into a little compartment…at least for the weekdays.

How to make this end

I realized that, somehow, as I continued my education, the whole sexual thing with Dad needed to end. And even his whole wanting to control all my time to be with him. I wasn’t sure how it would work out, but certainly, this new level of separation had to be the next step to finally bringing things with Dad to an end. After all, he couldn’t expect “it” to go on forever, right? I mean, once I finished college — and I wasn’t exactly sure how it would play out — but SOMEHOW, no longer being a student, but an actual adult, it had to stop.

(more…)

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My College Cocoon — The University of Connecticut, Torrington Branch

November 9, 2025

College.

My hoped-for ticket out of “trapped.”

My path to a future…whatever that might be, even as I didn’t yet know.

The expectation that somehow by the end of it, I would be independent, on my own, somehow no longer being abused, and just living a peaceful, “normal” life.

What else could I want?

Yes…..

My own world

The University of Connecticut, Torrington Branch, may have been only a mile away from our new home at “the Lot,” but in another way, at least for me, then, it was a world away. It was a place I could go and “stay all day” and into the evening if I wanted. Classes were not the solid schedule of high school and strict rules, but were on a schedule you set. And you were your own boss. You failed or succeeded on your own, and no one interfered with your right to that. As long as you paid your tuition.

Most of the friends I had in high school had gone away to college. But a few of my friends continued on here and there were new people from the local towns, all of us in the same boat — able to go to college only because this local branch gave us low tuition. We bonded over our mutual situations.

(more…)

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